Today’s answer comes from Jay Thomas, Dating and Relationship Strategist.
How Do You Love YourSELF 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

Today’s answer comes from Jay Thomas, Dating and Relationship Strategist.
On this day, we hear from relationship coach and author of The 5 Phases of Dating, Anita Charlot; she can be reached at anitacharlot.com.
Kathy has done an excellent job of sharing the different and very complex struggles of women in unhealthy and unhappy marriages. As I read each story, I saw many similarities between what was written and many of the women that I have coached in the past, myself included. The pain, the disappointment, the second-guessing, and the tolerance are all too familiar.
How is it that women find themselves in unhappy marriages? Here are a few reasons I’ve uncovered while coaching my clients:
They are afraid to be alone
They do not know what a “healthy relationship” looks like
They have not yet learned to truly love and honor themselves
They have yet to find their voice
They do not know how to identify the person that will not only make love to their bodies, but also to their heart
They are confused about what LOVE really is
They mistake good sex for love
They rush into marriage for all of the wrong reasons
They don’t feel worthy of someone better
Learning to love and honor yourself first is key to any successful marriage. As a dating and relationship coach for over sixteen years, I’ve seen many women sacrifice their own needs and desires in order to win a man’s affection, or to gain their family and friends’ approval. They are so confused as to what a healthy relationship is that they begin to settle, to second guess themselves and to allow other people’s judgments to convince them that they should stay when they should be running in the opposite direction.
Of course I want you to see the rest of her sage advice, but you’ll have to order the book.
Well do you? Do the people with whom you interact know exactly how far they can go with you? Physically? Emotionally? Psychologically? Do you know how far you want to go with others?
I recently listened to an Iyanla Vanzant episode centered on relationships. You can find it here. In it, she suggests that we not only establish boundaries in our relationships, but that we also make those boundaries known to individuals. Another useful step is to ensure those people know what the consequence will be if they should violate your stated boundary.
I can see how this will work with children because, well, adult-child relationships definitely require boundaries. For example, my 15-year-old, Desi and I were texting one day. In it, she replied, LMAO. To which I responded, you don’t get to laugh your ass off with me ma’am. She hasn’t done it again. She tested a boundary. It failed. She learned how far she could go.
But what happens when there are two adults and something more serious? Remember Buddy? According to Iyanla’s lesson, I should have stated something like this ahead of time: Buddy, I will not tolerate drunken, violent behavior. If you become drunk and violent, then you will have to leave our home.
While I have no problem having a boundary conversation with most adults, I do wonder if I can establish boundaries and allow the person to be him or herself, simultaneously.
Stay with me here. You know I value allowing people to be whoever they are; however, if I establish a boundary, then aren’t I asking the person to not be themselves while they’re in my company? So, is it better to ask Buddy to be mindful of his drinking limit, or just not invite Buddy to the next family function? For most of my life, I’ve just done the latter. That way Buddy can be himself…at…his…home.
I suppose my question is, can you establish boundaries and allow the person to be him or herself at the same time, or are these two different philosophical ways of living life? Can the two work together?
I know this post is more questions than answers, but that’s how (my) life is most times. Let me know what you think. Which do you prefer? Are you a boundary-setter? Tell us all how you do it.
Another cool thing about releasing The Unhappy Wife is the love I’ve gotten from LPCs and others in the mental health profession. This is a great example of that support. If you don’t already, check out Michelle’s blog. It’s full of personal stories that advocate for self-love ❤
In any relationship, manipulation is the highest form of betrayal. We will have to stop eating everything that is fed to us…even if its silver spoon fed. We grow watching, observing and living to our parents and family wishes. We trust them. Believe them without reservation. When we live our lives only by observation, and with their expectations without knowing their wounds, their whys our foundation will crack.
Respectability and accountability are requirements for the things we want in life, what we require from each other. Jesus’ mandate was to love one another as we love ourselves. His commandment sounds simple enough yet I believe it is one of the most difficult challenges in our faith walk. Loving self is a lifetime journey and it becomes more difficult to do when we break. The longevity of carrying pain, damaging pain that steals your joy and stills your heart is not loyalty…
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With The Unhappy Wife, I’ve managed to merge my love for quotes with my love for writing. I’ll be sharing one each week leading up to the paperback release. And of course, let me know if you agree, disagree, or think it’s hogwash.