Monday Notes: A Reflection on Last Year’s Goals

In 2022, I had three goals:

1. I would no longer persuade people to see my point of view.
2. I would no longer chase people for reciprocity.
3. I would no longer ignore my gut, figuratively or literally.

Here’s how I did:

Not persuading people to see my point of view was hard. A healer friend of mine shared a post on Instagram that said you don’t have to always let people know how you feel before you release them. You can just stop talking, interacting, etc. I told him that I knew I needed to balance this behavior because “I be having all the words.”

“You want them to hurt like you? Or do you have a deep-seated need to be understood?” he asked.

I knew it was the latter. I hate for people to not understand what I’m saying, to not consider what I’m saying to be truth, and to ignore what I’ve shared without thinking about how an experience could have affected me. As a result, I usually end up saying a whole bunch of stuff, when I really should’ve just released them from my life. This year, I only felt as if I had to persuade one person to see my point of view, but a back-and-forth conversation lingered much of the year.

I didn’t do well with this goal, but after our chat, my healer friend sent me a homework assignment and a bible verse so that I could learn to heal what’s at the root of this need. I know I’ll be doing better in 2023.

I did really well with not chasing people for reciprocity, mainly because I’m tired of what my friend, Dr. D. calls one-way, transactional relationships. There were a few situations where I felt as if I was doing much more calling, texting, or planning. But once I slowed down or stopped altogether, people noticed. When those friends said something (I considered) passive, like oh, we haven’t talked in a while, then I brought the reason why to their attention, which was usually because if I don’t reach out, we don’t talk. Friends and family either accepted this and changed their behavior, or they didn’t. Either way, the result was I no longer had to chase anyone for reciprocity. This behavioral change worked.

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Literally paying attention to my gut was easy. Two years ago, I accepted the idea that my parasympathetic system had been disrupted long ago when I experienced several subsequent traumatic events in childhood and adolescence. (That’s a mouthful). Anywho, as a result, I learned that I have to not only eat differently, but also keep my stress levels low; otherwise, there’s a physical and mental breakdown. In 2022, I focused quite a bit on these two things. For example, I knew when Dwight and I were out of the country and I didn’t feel right, I had to return to strategies that kept my anxiety at bay. My step-mother coming to visit was also a reminder of how important listening to my gut is, so this was successful.

Figuratively listening to my gut was also easier this year. To be clear, I mean following my intuition. One time, I could sense that my cousin’s wife seemed bothered for some reason. I could feel my belly swirling, and it almost seemed as if our spirits were fighting, even though we hadn’t engaged in an argument. I decided to leave her alone for the remainder of the day. The next day, without my prompting, my cousin revealed this was true. His wife was, indeed, angry because of something I said. In these situations, following my gut doesn’t mean confronting the person. I’ve learned that’s rarely necessary. What it does mean is paying attention to what I feel and then focusing on what I can do on my part to dissolve the situation.

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This year, I’m focusing on the following:

• Prioritize my artistry/writing.
• Heal the part of me that wasn’t heard as a child.
• Flow with the elements.

See what I did there? That second one is a re-frame of the first goal from last year. It’s not about not persuading others to see my point of view. It’s about why I feel the need to persuade others to see my point of view. Once I heal this, then the need will cease to exist 😉

How’d you do last year? Did you commit to doing something in order to strengthen your human beingness? Are you doing something this year to be a better person?

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• Monday Notes: Practicing What I Preach: Time Boundaries
• Turning 50: Do What You Want
• Monday Notes: A Post-Mother’s Day Message for the Motherless
• Inspiring Image #143: Pose
• Monday Notes: 4 Lessons Learned from Rotator Cuff/Bicep Tendon Surgery*

Monday Notes: A New Way to Create Resolutions for the New Year

Every year since I was about ten-years-old, I’ve made New Year’s resolutions. Goals have ranged from losing a specific amount of weight to attaining jobs in my field. But last year, I resolved differently.

For 2018, I resolved to remember five concepts. I typed them out and hung them on my mirror to recite daily.

#1: Anything is possible. Instead of being tied to a pre-determined outcome (e.g., I will appear on Jacksonville’s morning show to discuss The Unhappy Wife), I focused on believing that anything is possible. This turned out to be helpful. I had no idea that the editor of an anthology I’m apart of would ask me to represent the book via Tampa’s morning talk show. Nor did I conceive that I would be asked to participate in a book reading in Boston. With this reminder, I was open to any possibility, not just one that I thought was best for me. And it seemed to work.

#2: What you see is a manifestation of your thoughts, beliefs, and emotions. I’d learned long ago that however you feel on the inside will show up in your daily life. If you feel sh*tty, then your home, job, and other activities will reflect sh*tty circumstances. However, two things you absolutely can control are your emotions and your thoughts. With this resolution, I vowed to pay more attention to when I was excited and fulfilled. For example, though presenting my work isn’t new to me, when I attended a national conference in April, I admitted to myself that no matter where I’m employed, I’m a scholar and I enjoy this part of working in the field. Several months later, I was asked to chair a special interest group for a different national conference.

#3: Take nothing personally (AKA Agreement #2). This was the hardest but most useful for me. Many times things will occur and I tend to personalize it as if someone was trying purposefully to hurt my feelings. This surfaced when Dwight and I visited his parents. On their wall, is a six-foot blanketed image of his brother and his family hanging on the living room wall. How could I have personalized this? Well, immediately I was a bit jealous. And with that feeling, I became mad as if his brother intentionally made and sent his own father this gift to not only poo-poo on us, but also to one up our family. I’m not proud of this feeling, but it happened. I talked myself out of these made-up emotions and realized that his brother did what he wanted to do for his father. This had nothing to do with me.

#4: Be positive. This is self-explanatory, I think. But I will add this: Don’t be a Negative Norman. Think positive thoughts prior to entering a situation. I promise this will affect the way you see the actual event. In essence, don’t just hope for the best; actually see the best outcome.

#5: Follow your instinct. My intuition about people and circumstances is very strong. But sometimes I still second-guess those feelings and engage with others whom I should’ve left alone long ago. This resolution reminded me to follow my gut when people showed me who they were, whether it was the umpteenth or the second time. I stopped asking friends and family if they thought the person’s actions were disrespectful or uncalled for. I stopped needing second opinions about how I felt when interacting with others. Instead, I made decisions healthy for me. This resulted in de-friending a former high-school boyfriend from social media, pulling back from a one-sided friendship, and creating clear boundaries with my newfound biological family.

These 2018 resolutions worked best for me and I’ll continue with them in 2019. Nowadays, people tend to denigrate resolutions, but not me. Tell me if you still create resolutions/goals at the beginning or any part of the year. Are they more concrete than what I’ve described? Is this process history for you?

RE-Defined: DISCIPLINE

I’ve been thinking about discipline a lot. People have asked me how I accomplish things, and I never have a clear answer. I think I do now. Discipline.

In 2009, I quit a school instructional coaching job so that I could focus on finishing my dissertation.

“Who do you know that can actually make themselves sit for hours during the day to write?” my very good friend had asked when I shared my decision.

“I can,” I replied.

And that’s what I did. While Dwight was at work and the girls were at school, I analyzed data and wrote eight hours a day for nine months. I know my friend’s comment wasn’t a judgment against what she perceived me to be able to do or not do. It was more about what many people cannot and will not do…discipline themselves to achieve a goal.

But I want to be clear. I didn’t magically wake up with a spirit of commitment towards projects. It was taught.

Years ago, when people typed things on typewriters, I had a fifth-grade report due on Haile Selassie and Ethiopia. I’d made several mistakes and had to use that awful liquid paper/correction fluid stuff to cover it up and re-type words. It was a bumpy sludge of a mess.

My English major mother peered through her glasses to see how it was going.

“Kathy,” she started, “you’re going to have to re-type this paper. You can’t turn in something that looks like this. Your work is a reflection of you.”

I didn’t say anything back to her. In 1983, children simply sat there and seethed with anger and did what they were told. Or at least that’s what I learned to do.

I sat at that brown dining room table for hours. I wasn’t allowed to watch television until I finished. I ended up re-typing that essay three times, well past The Love Boat and Fantasy Island…and well past my bedtime. But it was done properly. What’s more is because of my mother’s correction I’d learned self-discipline. I’d learned the importance of focusing on one task (typing) and ignoring others (television). I learned to sit quietly and perfect something until it was “right.”

Today, being disciplined has served me well. I function within a distraction-based society by turning my phone over when I’m working and turning it off altogether while I’m sleeping. I’ve learned to take social media breaks when I’m indulging too much, so that offscreen life and people can take precedence. More importantly, I still practice sitting quietly and focusing on the day’s project until it’s complete.

Thirty-something years ago, I typed and re-typed those words through ten-year-old, tear-filled eyes. Now, I’m grateful for that early lesson because I see it as having shaped a positive and useful trait: discipline.

What about you? Do you have a positive superpower that you attribute learning from your parents’ rules? Are you disciplined? Do you want to be more disciplined? Feel free to share below.

Inspiring Image #54: Let’s Get to Work!

I know. I know. You can begin renewing yourself at any point. But for those of you who begin with a new year, now’s the time! It’s a new year, so it’s time for renewal, revisioning and re-purposing ourselves! Cheers to you as you either get to work, or continue the work!

Six Ways to Maintain your Goals

By K E Garland and Mek

It’s a new year! You’re ready and rearing to go with several resolutions. There’s just one problem. How will you maintain them? Whether you’re a traditional New Year’s resolutionist, or a general goal-setter, Mek and I are sharing six ways to maintain those goals. Each is a method that we personally use. We hope these help as you’re re-shape life.

Visualize your goals: Visualizing successful outcomes of goals is a powerful tool. To begin with, take some time to imagine how your life will positively shift once you’ve achieved the goal. Is it health, wealth, more fun, a de-cluttered house? If you have a tangible outcome that is clear in your mind’s eye, then you’ve partially accomplished it. Furthermore, envisioning benefits will give it added weight, increasing your desire to stick to it.

Keep your goals visible: Now that your goal is at the forefront of your mind, try posting it somewhere you can actually see it. For me, it’s my bathroom. I list each goal on a single sheet, print it out, laminate it and then stick it to my side of the mirror so I have to face them each and every day. Not as Type A as me? Create a digital note and make it the background for your cell phone, laptop or tablet. This will ensure that you consistently see what you’ve committed to doing.

Create mini-goals: Your goals are on your mind and on paper. Now, create mini-goals. Think of these as resolution subcategories. Did you promise yourself that this is the year you self-publish and market a book? What will it take to do this? Once you’ve determined the steps, then you’ll have your mini-goals. Here’s what they might look like:

• Scout editors.
• Create a blog.
• Find someone to create a digital cover.
• Read Stephen King’s On Writing.

Prioritizing your mini-goals is key. Reflect on which ones best serve to progress your major goals so that you can decide where to best use your time.

Determine Milestones: We know what some of you are thinking. Those mini-goals could be major goals. You’re right. Different resolutions require different timeframes. That time could be a year, three years or a decade. It depends on your overall objective and priorities. Either way, clear milestones will help you manage time, maintain focus, track your journey, and build in celebrations. In order to avoid burn out or let time pass you by, be realistic with your milestone dates. For example, if you know your schedule doesn’t allow for book reading, you might consider separating it into a chapter a month, thus allowing yourself an entire year. Also remember, milestone dates can differ for each mini-goal. Setting this timeline takes a little extra effort and research. But it will be worth it in the end once you’ve actualized your dream.

Seek out a support system: You didn’t think we wanted you to go at it alone, did you? Networks are very important. Therefore, share your goals with supportive people. Begin with individuals on a similar path. For example, if you want to write a mystery novel, then join the mystery-writing novel group at your local library. It is a great way to create a personal cheering squad of like-minded souls headed in the same direction. Sharing your goals with others will keep you accountable and add incentive to stick it out, with your personal integrity on display. These groups of people will also genuinely ask about your progress. If you’re unsure where to find an organization, then join an online group centered on the subject, or blog about your goal using relevant tags and categories.

Revise the goal: You’ve visualized. Your goals are posted. You have mini-goals with appropriate milestones. And your cheering squad is ready to help. Now what? Mek and I are both working women with families and other daily priorities. We understand that a lot can happen between January and March. Maybe you’ve switched careers. Perhaps you’ve moved into a different home. Either way, life events sometimes make it close to impossible to achieve the goals that you’ve set three months prior. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Instead, just reflect, and then revise the goal. This could mean that you’ve set up the blog but have found daily maintenance too taxing. It’s okay. Revise the goal! Instead, post once a week until time permits for more frequent blogging. Trust us. These are your goals; revisions are allowed.

Have you tried any of these? Would you add another? Let us know in the comment section. Best of luck for a happy, healthy and fruitful New Year realizing your dreams!

~kg and Mek