Pamela from The Unhappy Wife book

Pamela was the last wife that I’d interviewed. My plan was to have 13 women’s stories, but by the time I’d actually spoken to everyone and written each narrative, I was worn out. Twelve was enough.

unhappy-wifeWhile Pamela’s marriage includes similar tropes as the previous women, I was happy to include her story because it was about infidelity from a real woman’s point of view, something that isn’t always depicted or discussed in media. Additionally, Pamela had no remorse for committing the act, and that was a part of the adultery narrative that had to be told.

Concept: At first I was going to only focus Pamela’s story on her mother and how she influenced Pam to give up on college and get married. But as we continued our conversation, she not only revealed her adultery, but also told me it helped her as a person. I knew then her story had to be about more than simply her and her mom’s relationship.

Likewise, I wanted to provide a counter narrative to how society views affairs. There are three ideas about cheating that I’ve noticed: (1) it’s the worst thing that can happen in a marriage; (2) it is an irreparable break of trust; and (3) it’s something only men do. I thought Pamela’s story would shape a different conversation.

Let me be clear. I’m not trying to condone cheating. I’m just saying that it’s time to expand the narrative, especially as women take on different roles than they once did in the past.

Commentary: I believe Pamela felt bad about herself long before marriage. It began when her mother crushed her university dreams. And then, like a lot of women, post-pregnancy weight added to her insecurity. On top of that, she relied so much on Reggie’s degrees and income that his unemployment added another layer of disappointment.

By the time Kurt entered the picture, she all but invited the escape. This is how some affairs occur. They begin with an insecure woman being noticed and paid attention to by another man. In this case, Kurt uplifted her, something that her mother didn’t seem to do. Kurt also had the money to pamper her and he accepted her body the way it was at first. According to Pam, Kurt was a Godsend. Without him, she would still be living in despair.

Pam’s story showed my overall message with this book:

  • Know yourself.
  • Love yourself.
  • Be yourself.

Pamela didn’t know herself. If she did, then she would’ve been able to determine if going to college or getting married was a better path for her. She didn’t love herself. If she did, then she wouldn’t have ended up in Kurt’s bed, seeking love and attention through his admiration and wallet. She wasn’t being herself. She had assumed an identity, wife and mother.

What did you all think about her? Was she wrong for cheating with Kurt, even if it did lead self-discovery? What about overbearing mothers? Do you think parents should guide their children so much that they influence their life’s path?

unhappy-wifeOne more thing: My editor said this story was the best in terms of writing. I suspect it’s because it was traditional. It has a clear beginning, middle and end. The ending is nice a neat and tied with a bow. Readers tend to like that. What do you think?

If you haven’t ordered or read The Unhappy Wife yet, there’s still time! We have one more section to discuss, The Committed Wife. Next month we’ll start off with Darlene, mmmhmm, the preacher’s wife.

Monday’s Notes: Rethinking Marital Commitment: *Millennials’ Perspectives 

I have a secret. If I’m working on an article, chapter, etc., then I think about it constantly, until I’m finished writing. This is why I try not to over-commit to projects. I know I have this obsessive quality and the best way to keep it under control is time management, which I’m pretty good at.

img_4290The other way I manage is with my Notes section. Whenever I have a thought about my current project, then I use voice-to-text or actually write down what I was thinking.

That’s what happened recently when I was invited to write an article about relationships. I chose to delve into why millennials seem to be marrying later or not at all.

I conducted an informal survey and thoughts kept emerging about the topic. One reason this happened is I was prone to judge this generation’s marital practices, until I actually read their responses and thought about it more.

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Every generation has its marriage pendulum based on non-conformity of the previous generation. Generation Y is no different. Some of us are just in a tizzy about it because it seems kind of anti. But is it really harming anyone? Who knows?

That’s how I ended up concluding this social commentary. I’m not sure what the impact will be, but I know that there will be one.

You can read Rethinking Marital Commitment in full here.

As usual, let me know what you think either on the KPB site or right here. Do you know any millennials? Do you care if they marry later, sooner, or at all? Do you think this will negatively effect society in some way?

*Special thanks to all my millennial friends who participated in the survey. Without you, this would’ve just been an opinion piece.

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3 Unexpected Outcomes of Self-Publishing by K.E. Garland #Spotlight

Many thanks to Felicia over at NesiesPlace for this Spotlight invitation. Check out the feature about The Unhappy Wife, give her a follow, AND check out her own book In The Best Interest of the Child.

Nesie's Place

I’m honored and pleased to have Dr. K.E. Garland on the blog today. An educator by profession, Dr. Garland is not only finding success as an indie author, but her works of creative nonfiction are fostering discussions for social change [among women especially] on an international level.

Today, Dr. Garland shares three outcomes she never imagined when she first decided to self-publish.


TUW coverThe Unhappy Wife was conceived during one of my former 320-mile commutes to and from work. During those drives, I used to call family and friends to keep me company. Many calls were with one of my male cousins. This time, his marriage woes were exhausting.

“I’m going to write a book called The Unhappy Wife,” I told him, “and I’m going to ask your wife to participate!” He laughed and laughed at me, but I was serious.

It wasn’t just his wife and their drama. I had…

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Sofia from The Unhappy Wife book

unhappy-wifeSofia was the first wife that I’d interviewed. Her story is interesting for two reasons. The first is because I wanted ethnic diversity. She identifies as Latina and her ex-husband is part African. It was great to be able to show that marital challenges are cross-cultural. This story was also interesting because there are not many women who are willing to share details about intimacy with the world.

Concept: At the crux of this narrative is a sexless marriage. Sofia and Leo didn’t have sex for years. What caused the lack of sex was Leo’s infertility. This was the one story where I was able to show the husband’s innermost feelings. Leo’s reaction to his inability to produce sperm affected how he interacted for the remainder of their marriage. He once told Sofia, “If I would’ve found out it was you who was infertile, I would’ve left.” This is a direct quote. Whether it was because of gender or ethnicity, not being able to have sex and procreate was a big deal to Leo. It seemed to be what being a man and marriage was about for him.

But Leo wasn’t the only one who had a view of how marriage was supposed to go. Sofia did too. Another central part of the story was how much she enjoyed taking care of Leo’s needs. Because he was career military, he was always coming and going. Sofia enjoyed this. She helped him pack out to leave, and she helped him unpack when he returned. She cooked and assumed other duties that some of us might deem “old-fashioned.”

Commentary: I wanted to show how both Sofia and Leo had developed a societal stereotype about wives, husbands and marriage, and then lived out those ideas. Leo believed a husband was someone who could give his wife a baby, and if he couldn’t do that, then what was the point of being married, much less having sex? Is this the truth? I’m not a man and I’ve never been infertile, but I suppose if my gender identity was inextricably linked to my fertility, then where would that leave me? What would that make me?

The fact that Sofia stayed with Leo for years, even after his insensitive comment also struck me as odd. She explained that she was fine because she continued to do the part of marriage she liked: taking care of Leo. That was her focus. I suppose that can be marriage, but I’m not sure it’s a relationship. I’m not sure that a husband and wife can sleep separately, have no sex and be 100% happy. This is also why I categorized her experience as part of the “Detached Wife” section. It seemed that she was separated from the reality of her relationship.

unhappy-wifeWhat do you think?

What else stood out for you in this story? Do you think she should’ve been in another category? Is sex important for a marriage and/or relationship? Or am I trippin?

It’s not too late to order The Unhappy Wife here, so you can catch up. Next month, we have to skip Rhadiya, because she also signed a waiver that doesn’t allow me to discuss her story in public. And if you read the book, then you probably understand why! So we’ll move on to everyone’s second favorite wife, Miss Sharlene 😉

Heart Faults, when we break.

Another cool thing about releasing The Unhappy Wife is the love I’ve gotten from LPCs and others in the mental health profession. This is a great example of that support. If you don’t already, check out Michelle’s blog. It’s full of personal stories that advocate for self-love ❤

Me, Intimately worded

In any relationship, manipulation is the highest form of betrayal. We will have to stop eating everything that is fed to us…even if its silver spoon fed. We grow watching, observing and living to our parents and family wishes. We trust them. Believe them without reservation. When we live our lives only by observation, and with their expectations without knowing their wounds, their whys our foundation will crack.

Respectability and accountability are requirements for the things we want in life, what we require from each other. Jesus’ mandate was to love one another as we love ourselves. His commandment sounds simple enough yet I believe it is one of the most difficult challenges in our faith walk. Loving self is a lifetime journey and it becomes more difficult to do when we break. The longevity of carrying pain, damaging pain that steals your joy and stills your heart is not loyalty…

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Book Review: The Unhappy Wife

I can count on both hands how many men have read The Unhappy Wife, and Darryl is one of them. Check out his review of the book. And, if you don’t already follow him, then you’re in for a thoughtful and critical look at all things in society. Thanks again Darryl!

Zone of Non-being

After months of resistance, I finally purchased and read Dr. K E Garland’s The Unhappy Wife. My original thoughts about the text were a barrier to engagement. Based on the title alone, I assumed that only married women could extract pearls of wisdom from the book. This mythical position was dispelled after reading just a few pages of the first section. This wonderful collection of short stories has use-value for most people, irrespective of sex/gender and marital status.

The Unhappy Wife is an assortment of twelve visceral testimonies inspired by the actual experiences of married women. Each relationship goes through a period(s) of disenchantment – owing to a wide range of internal and/or external factors. The varying responses to these circumstances are presented in three parts and corresponding themes: The Voiceless Wife, The Detached Wife, and The Committed Wife. These narratives are powerful and captivating. Overall…

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Mrs. Little from The Unhappy Wife book

unhappy-wifeMrs. Little was the second wife that I’d interviewed. Although she’d given me quite a few details about her marriage, what kept resurfacing were small anecdotes and feelings about her mother-in-law. She was voiceless, but in a much different way than either Jasmyne or Gina.

Her comments reminded me of Steve Harvey’s movie, Think Like a Man. In it he approaches how so-called “Mama’s boys” affect relationships, but I thought this was different because the mother-in-law’s actions were subtle, or like people like to say nowadays: petty.

Concept: Her husband, Mark knew how Mrs. Little felt, but she’d never really expressed herself to the mother-in-law. Quite honestly, I have issues with my own MIL that I’ve never shared, so I began to wonder what it would be like if Mrs. Little could tell Ms. Little everything she wanted to say over the past two decades. Then, I thought wouldn’t it be great if she wrote her a letter? Wouldn’t we all like to do that with someone, in a way where they don’t get to respond, but just read?

I also had fun using the epistolary format. It seemed that would break up the monotony of reading traditional narratives, yet still explain the past and present challenges with the relationship.

Commentary: I’ve never been a mother-in-law, but I have one and I’ve talked to a few. What seems to be challenging (sometimes) is accepting that their son is no longer a little boy, but rather a man with his own responsibilities. Essentially, it’s an issue with transitions and change that manifests through marriage. From my perspective, it seems that mothers want to still “mother” their sons, while either not embracing the daughter-in-law, or ignoring her altogether.

That doesn’t work.

And there was a twist for this story. Mark was using his military salary to pay his mother’s bills before he married. The mother-in-law had to not only deal with a new woman in her son’s life, but also not being financially taken cared of anymore. She’d lost a lot all at once. I’m not sure they’d ever discussed a plan for this change.

I tend to believe that conversations can heal all things. People underestimate the importance of sitting down, airing grievances, setting the stage to move forward, and then actually moving forward with a clearer understanding. I’m not saying this always works, but I do know that unacknowledged issues are rarely solved.

unhappy-wifeLet me know what you thought about Mrs. Little and Mark, what I’ve said here, or anything else that you felt was important. Next month, we’ll move on to the next section, The Detached Wife. Thom’s wife signed a waiver that doesn’t allow me to discuss the story in this format, so on to the next chapter we’ll go..

Interested in purchasing a copy and getting caught up to discuss the rest of the wives? Order here.

Book Review: The Unhappy Wife ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I’ve been fortunate enough to have four book bloggers read and review The Unhappy Wife. This one comes from LeTara, who lives in the States. Not only did she give it four stars, but she’s the reason I realized the book could also be purchased at Barnes & Noble online.

LeTara Writes Book Reviews

Wives, girlfriends, significant others: Do you feel like you’re being heard? I mean really heard? Felt? Loved? Maybe you do. If so, then The Unhappy Wife by K.E. Garland is a good read for you because you can get a glimpse of what marriage is like for women who are not satisfied and you can glean information or just be entertained. If you’re not satisfied, then this is good read for you because there’s sure to be something that you can relate to in this book.

The Unhappy Wife doesn’t preach or lecture. It doesn’t attempt to vilify anyone. There’s no man-bashing or single woman-bashing or any other bashing. It is simply a collection of twelve short stories/anecdotes shared by twelve very different women. The book is divided into three parts: The Voiceless Wife, The Detached Wife, and The Committed Wife.

Considering I am not married and never have been…

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Gina from The Unhappy Wife book

unhappy-wifeGina was the third wife that I’d interviewed. By the time I began putting the book together, I knew that she fit into the Voiceless Wife category. At first glance, her story may seem similar to Jasmyne’s. She knew she shouldn’t have married Bryan, but wed anyway and sought counseling through marriage ministry. However, her story is a tad bit different. Whereas Jasmyne seemed to heed advice from people she trusted, Gina never told anyone how she felt. Her mother, father, and best friend never suspected that she knew Bryan wasn’t the man for her.

Concept: Gina began our interview by saying, “I knew I shouldn’t have married Bryan as soon as he proposed,” so I wrote the story around that idea. I wanted to show the reader how we can have a suspicion about a person, and even if they do something blatant, we ignore those feelings and proceed with our own illusion.

With this narrative, I wanted to also illustrate how we keep relationship secrets due to something I’ve talked about on this blog before: shame. Gina didn’t want anyone to know that she’d given up her dog, her weekly visits with her mother, or her relationship with her best friend, simply to please Bryan.

I have to add that this wife’s story is one of my “favorites” because of the bloody kitten scene. I don’t want to spoil it for people who haven’t read the book, but the imagery of the animal gasping for its breath stayed with me for quite a while. This part of her story is true.

Similar to Jasmyne’s chapter, I created the part about her stomach twisting and turning in knots. The reason I continue to use this analogy is because intuition is oftentimes described as a gut feeling. If you’re familiar with chakras, then you know the yellow one is associated with your stomach and trusting what you feel. This is a message I felt important to continue.

Commentary: What stood out to me is the progression of abuse. Bryan slowly pulled her away from her loved ones, including her dog. He never physically hurt her, but rather imposed psychological abuse. He was jealous of everyone she interacted with, but it wasn’t obvious to her until after the experience. This is common. When you’re in a situation with a person who’s mentally abusive, then it might not be as apparent, especially if you’re ignoring instincts.

The other part of Gina’s story that intrigued me was the shame she carried. The shame grew at the same rate as her instincts about the relationship. This fit into another reason I felt compelled to write this book. There are many women who keep the details of their marriages secret because they believe they’re the only ones going through horrible situations. I’m not suggesting that we tell everyone, everything about our unions. I’m just saying perhaps it’s time to be a little more authentic in how we present ourselves to our friends and family. And if those people can’t be trusted, seek counsel that is aligned with who you are and what you believe. There are ways to discontinue the abuse and the loneliness that accompanies maintaining this type of secret.

unhappy-wifeLet me know what you thought about Gina and Bryan, what I’ve said here, or anything else that you felt was important. Next month, we’ll delve into many readers’ favorite character, Mrs. Little.

The Unhappy Wife is on sale here.