Monday Notes: Things I’m No Longer Doing in 2022

1: Persuading People to See My Point of View. A few years ago, I went to help my stepmother with her breast cancer surgery. I was happy to be able to help in any way I could, and she was grateful. However, before I left, she brought up something I’d written in my last anthology: Daddy: Reflections of Father-Daughter Relationships. In it, I described how my father used to leave the house and announce that he was “going to get laid.” I was sixteen at the time, and it seemed not only inappropriate, but also unnecessary.

She began the conversation with “Tony said that because of your mother’s condition, she wasn’t able to have sex very much, so when she died…”

For the next thirty minutes, she defended my father, his actions, and his words. And for those thirty minutes, I tried to convince her that he wasn’t quite the man she thought he was. I tried to get her to see my point of view.

But let me tell y’all something. It takes a lot of time and energy to convince someone to see your point of view, when their motive is really to defend someone else and their actions, and I’m not doing it anymore … with anyone.

2. Chasing People for Reciprocity. Maya Angelou once said, “When people show you who they are, believe them,” and I say when people show you the level of engagement they want to have in your life, act accordingly. The best example I have of this is when my sister-in-law agreed to make amends and develop a relationship.

“Do you want to Skype?” I asked.

“No,” she replied. “With the kids and everything, I don’t have time.”

“Do you want to talk on the phone?”

“I don’t really like talking on the phone. Anyway, people who talk on the phone usually just gossip,” she said.

After a bit more prompting, this is what she revealed, “Kathy, I’m good with seeing you every five years or so.”

Although my feelings were hurt by her honesty, I was grateful for her words. I used to be the type of person you had to bonk over the head with a message, and this was one of those times. She and I had two different definitions of relationship, and I didn’t need to keep trying so hard to develop the kind I was seeking, not with her or others who clearly show they’re not interested in the type of relationship I’d like to have.

3. Ignoring My Gut, Literally and Figuratively. 2021 brought my gut issues to the forefront. Digestion has been problematic since 2017, but I’d ignored it. I’d also been taught how to hold everything in, until it burst, and that didn’t serve me well. A laryngopharyngeal reflux diagnosis woke me up. It shouldn’t have taken me so long to seek treatment. But we learn what we learn when we learn it, right? I’ll write a longer post about this situation. For now, I’ll share this: I’ve learned that I don’t have to hold everything in. I can calmly speak my mind in the moment. If the other person doesn’t like what I’ve said or that I’ve said it, that’s their problem, not mine. I’ve learned that my body doesn’t like all of the foods, even though the pleasure center in my brain does. Honoring these two things has helped me pay attention physically and metaphysically to my gut.

Each of these examples are old situations, but they’ve persisted in my life throughout the years to varying degrees, with different people, and with subtleties. However, 2022 will be an intentional year of honoring these three specific points: I don’t need validation for how I feel about my experiences with people; I am grateful for current symbiotic relationships; and my gut always knows best.


What are you doing for 2022? Are resolutions your thing? Are you focusing on one word? How are you going to bring happiness into the new year?


101 thoughts on “Monday Notes: Things I’m No Longer Doing in 2022

  1. LOVE this ! And no, that isn’t a surprise to me, haha
    I’ve been using my holidays to pen down visions for my personal life’s areas. Did that several years ago, slightly different, and this time I was more honest towards myself. The revelations, wow. Now writing down the strategics per section on how to realize those visions. Tough decisions had to be made (like cutting out some people in my life) and although it is sad (which is ok), it also is a relief.
    Wishing you a fantastic new year ahead and as always, sending a big hug. XxX

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Norma ❤ What I've found is if we want others to be honest with us, then we have to begin with ourselves. It's also easier to be authentic with others because I have been with myself. It hasn't been easy, but it's been worth it for sure.

      I appreciate this comment.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, I can’t imagine #1 when you were just a teen. So strange. #2 would hurt. Would take time to recover from that. Yes, life and time is precious. May your 2022 be a good one. Happy New Year, Year of the Tiger!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly. Imagine trying to process the words. I’ve learned we all have stuff, and we don’t always know how to deal with it, and we end up interacting with others and saying/doing hurtful things.

      Happy, Happy New Year to you, Jean! I’ll have to look up what the Year of the Tiger symbolizes ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. First off, Happy New Year. Glad to see that you’re safe and still blessing us with your blogging.
    Those are three great points and things that I coincidentally am also trying to embody more in my day to day life. Last year that third point gave me some harsh wake up calls and showed me who I can rely on in life. I got married last year and we only had 30 guests – partly because of finances, partly because of COVID but mainly because people show you who they are and what level they’re willing to participate in your life. So why share such a special day with people who have been absent for most other days.

    My one major resolution is to live in 2022 and not just survive. We had to make a lot of sacrifices to fund our big day in addition to buying our first home so this year I’m looking to get back into having more fun and enjoying life more.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Kg! I’ve so enjoyed watching you find love, fall in love, and get married! Congrats to you and your new wife ❤

      Thanks for this comment. I frequently think about how many people I should've really had at my wedding, and I think between 30-50 is about right. Everything is else is fluff, and I completely agree about not sharing your special day with people who don't interact the other 364 days of the year! That's maturity and growth.

      Best of luck to you this year as you actualize your goals, and HAPPY NEW YEAR ❤

      Like

  4. Kudos to you Kathy for choosing to honor these important areas! I’m right there with you on #2. I used get angry, when I go all out and someone doesn’t reciprocate. Nowadays, I don’t care. I simply follow their lead, i.e. if they don’t call, I don’t either, etc. This might sound harsh but it’s liberating.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Those are very positive changes! I learned long ago that trying to change someone’s mind is almost always an exercise in futility (an belief that a quick look at Facebook confirms daily), but I have been guilty of trying to establish close relationships with people who obviously aren’t interested. It’s as if there’s something wrong with me if everyone doesn’t really like me and want to spend time with me, so I have to try harder….. Stupid, I know, but I was raised to be a “pleaser” and it took me years to let go of that. Now I am much better at reading the situation and only putting time and energy into relationships that are worth it, and where that time and energy are returned. And I’m much happier as a result!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ann, as a former people pleaser who had had low self-esteem, I have an essay rolling around in my head called, “It All Feels Like Rejection to Me,” so I totally get what your’e saying. That’s exactly why we used to keep at it, because there must’ve been something we were doing wrong for them not to like/love us! News flash: everyone doesn’t. And that’s okay. Kudos to us for figuring things out ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. AMEN to that! It took bleeding ulcers to get me to realize the importance of 1, 2, and 3. I wrote a post about my take on the new year. I’d never thought of having a word for the year, but then I read a post here (sorry, I don’t remember the author) about claiming “nourish” as the word of the year. That’s a meaningful word for me too.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you Thank you Thank you for writing this and the way you do that. I have arrived at these realizations rather intensely and painfully. I am still checking into myself if I can stand my ground gently in these ways of being. Your post makes for a very positive reinforcement, affirmation and intention for me.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I do enjoy the back and forth of a discussion. I don’t know if I’m trying to persuade anyone to change their opinions, but rather to bring discourse to a civil level. So, right now the temperature is at 100 degrees. If we were able to understand where an opposing viewpoint comes from, and if it’s steeped in logic, then we can start to understand each other. Nothing like a civil discussion over a game of chess, and good drink. Happy New Year!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I don’t mind a civil discourse, and even in the example I gave, we were civil. It’s just that if someone isn’t willing to accept that there’s another point of view of a person, situation, whatever, then I’m not sure where we going with the conversation. And I mean that for both sides.

      I’m going to also answer your other comment here, Rob. So, for example, We both listen to what we both have to say with regards to President Trump. You know how I feel. I know how you feel. I’m willing to admit that other presidents were indeed racist and sexist, and I think you’d agree. In fact, the difference between President Biden and Trump, as I see it, is that Trump currently espouses those views (i.e., “very fine people” comment after Charlottesville). I haven’t heard Biden say or do anything racist recently; however, I do know his past policies affected African Americans.

      My point is this…I think you’re willing to listen to what I’m saying about a specific issue or person. Somehow, I think you’ll actually consider what I’m saying. When I’m to the point where the other person doesn’t even consider what I’m saying as a possibility that’s when I need to bow out 😉

      Happy New Year (again) lol

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, Biden actually recently did say a racist comment on Charlamagne Tha God :
        “You’ve got more questions?” Biden asked. “Well, I tell you what, if you have a problem figuring out whether you’re for me or Trump, then you ain’t black.”

        or…

        “”And by the way, what you all know but most people don’t know, unlike the African American community with notable exceptions, the Latino community is an incredibly diverse community with incredibly different attitudes about different things. You go to Florida you find a very different attitude about immigration in certain places than you do when you’re in Arizona. So it’s a very different, a very diverse community,”

        I quote those remarks to emphasize that Biden is as flawed as Trump and recently flawed, too. For the record, although I did vote for Trump against Clinton (and I’m glad that I did), I was going to vote for Tulsi this past election. What I found interesting, at least on the face of it, is the DNC excluded a woman (Tulsi) from the final debate, and showcased two very old white men. I think that was very sad.

        BTW, thank you for letting me express myself here. I understand and respect your viewpoints and enjoy the way you make your points.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I remember having similar experiences likes yours over many years in my youthful days, while still under the influence of a naïve/idealistic outlook that humanity was on the path towards goodness, equality and fairness.
    Well, all that I needed were a few “shots” into the “heart” and many disappointing experiences before adulthood had suddenly arrived.
    In 2022 I will do the same as in 2021 and as I have done the last 36 years, living an austere and simple life, improving on my integrity and on the understanding of the human condition, which still baffles me. Happiness? I have not yet worked out what that entails. A lot of sunshine, enough food and a life without ego-driven ambition might describe it fittingly. However, when observing the world around me one does better ask for not too much.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “naïve/idealistic outlook that humanity was on the path towards goodness, equality and fairness” you sound like my husband. He constantly reminds me that most people are not trying to be better people; most people are not trying to work on themselves at all, so yeah. I hear you on this one.

      Let me know when you understand the human condition 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My friend in Florida suffers from deep abandonment issues. I often make excuses for her behaviour, on my last visit to see her and her husband after spending two days with them, I was driven to a hotel and dismissed without even a second thought. I felt very hurt. I stayed at the hotel until my return flight date and I vowed never to visit her again. I examined my part in the entire scheme of things and I realised that I felt differently about these individuals than they felt about me. Chalk it up to experience, If I never went to Florida, I would not have had that experience and I would continue to assume the feelings were mutual.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Sharon, first of all I’d like to say that I understand and hear your perspective. Also, you can change “suffers” to suffered. It is in the past tense. Finally, we can talk about your perspective of that experience as adults, either via email or phone call.

        Like

  10. I stopped arguing with people a long time ago, and I definitely do not argue with strangers on the internet, and it really is a game changer. I’m sure it won’t surprise you that I have OPINIONS and am usually right at that, so.

    Holding things inside, feeling my feelings, and, apparently, actually relaxing are all triggers for my gut issues. Blah blah parasympathetic nervous system etc etc. So obvs, I’m looking forward to your longer post about that.

    Liked by 4 people

      1. Yeah, I don’t engage on FB with people I don’t know when they post dumb stuff. And if I comment on a friend’s post and their friends try to argue with me, I don’t even respond to them.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. For 2022, really . . . I’m just trying not to break completely down. I love your list, and I have to say, chasing after people for reciprocity is something I stopped about three years ago. I commendation you. I truly do.

    Liked by 3 people

  12. Letting go of things that do not work well, is just as important as bringing new things into the new year. Great insights! I pick “One Word”, and my word for 2022 is “Joy”. I plan to seek joy and expand my boundaries a bit to encourage joy to come in. I will try some new things this year. Joy will yield happiness, but my goal is to make 2022 a better year than the last 2, despite the Covid virus! One of the new things I am trying is doing daily blog posts for January with #bloganuary. I am also giving daily tips in January on ways to make this a better year. I am feeling hopeful.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. “When people show you the level of engagement they want to have in your life, act accordingly.” Well said! This is what I’ve really learned myself with age- reciprocate back what you’re getting. It’s all about (for me) managing my expectations.

    I usually make intentions.. but for me I don’t have anything set in stone for this year. I just want to do what I did better last year… be even more creative and focus more on the positives.

    Thanks for sharing as always! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It sounds so easy, right? lol And actually once you get the idea, it really is that easy to understand.

      Best of luck with your 2022 intentions! And thanks for always supporting by reading and commenting 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Thank you for describing your wise plans for social interactions this year and in the future. I am walking such a similar path; non-reciprocal relationships – I’ll take a pass, convincing – why waste my breath, and take care of my own health – yes also my gut. The first and third are the most difficult for me to follow through with…

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I love Maya Angelou’s quote here. Honesty about what we want + accepting other’s honesty about what they want gives relationships a beautiful clarity. I want that kind of peace in 2022!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “Plus accepting other’s honesty about what they want” that’s the part! Sometimes we see people the way we want to see them, as opposed to who/how they really are.

      Peace abounds in 2022 ❤

      Like

  16. Katherin, I especially relate to your first one about attempting to persuade someone else to see my view. Boy, that goes right to the political divide. I have been working on myself to improve in this area. Sometimes, I am dealing with someone else trying to persuade me. I get riled up inside, but prefer not to argue.
    I am frustrated with friends who don’t think the same way I do. So my challenge has been keeping long term friendships alive. I look to find love for other parts of our relationship and avoid discussing things we don’t agree on. Not easy to let go of the disappointment.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It really does end up being a waste of time, right? I mean the way I see it, Judy…if you have to convince someone why it’s not a good idea to have a president who is blatantly racist, sexist, and narcissistic, then there’s a problem, and eventually if you keep trying to convince them, then it becomes your problem, not theirs.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Actually this also comes down to the vaccine and the risk involved. It’s so ugly! And you’re right about it being a waste of time. It’s just that ignoring it isn’t working too well for me. I can keep the friendship, but without respect, the foundation is crumbling.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Aha! I picked the wrong issue.

        I understand what you’re saying, though. It’s because you really do care about what you’re talking about. There are so many factors to deciding not to convince someone of your point of view, and I think one of them also requires you not caring if the other person ever really gets it, which in this case affects more than just them or you.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. And yet, the current one has made many racist remarks in his past, was friends with a member of the senate who was in the KKK, and was recently accused by his own staffer of sexual assualt, yet little press coverage. But, my comment really isn’t about what side we’re on, but rather being principled in our critique of our leaders. Let’s call out all who do bad things, hold them to account, and disregard if they have a D or an R next to their name(s).

        Liked by 1 person

  17. These words — “I don’t need validation for how I feel about my experiences with people; I am grateful for current symbiotic relationships; and my gut always knows best.” are wise and weighted with wisdom.

    A recipe for freedom for every single one of your readers and friends — including me! Your gut now has a crown that goes with it. A crown in self value and a PhD in intuition. 👑 Your words guide me!

    2022 — my words are focused — slow — and controlled. As a Sagittarius ♐️ and my personality I am on FIRE 🔥 and I am ready to bring it to a simmering boil. More centered. More space. (Especially since Ontario Canada just went into another LOCKDOWN 95 MINUTES AGO.. OMG) And since I cannot find space horizontally these days, it’s time for me to go VERTICAL

    Congratulations on an incredible achievement with both your writing, and your soul’s purpose.

    YOU EARNED IT

    Dr. D ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, Dr. D! It’s been a long time coming (and you’ve probably literally witnessed the growth through my writing)! And I continue to grow, because healing isn’t linear 😉

      I had to laugh at the image of my gut wearing a crown lol but I get you.

      Best of luck this year, simmering Sag 😉

      Nowhere to go but UP UP UP!

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Great post ma’am!!
    Mic drop! Fingers snapping.

    Love that you pointed out your brain happy signals leap for joy but your gut says no no no!

    Guiding words are a thing for me.

    Last year, started writing down New Year’s resolutions. It worked so I’ll try again this year.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, goddaughter extreme ❤

      Yeah, you know my brain is always like, "let's go!" I've learned to take a minute and see what my belly has to say about it lol

      Cheers to a new year and resolutions! People poo-poo on resolutions, and I'm not sure why.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Good of you to share these “so glaringly obvious that I can’t see them” truths of life. If I could, I would have them written in letters of gold. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, VJ! Yes, you cannot get that time back, so don’t even bother. I mean if it’s an actual conversation where you two are listening, that’s different. Anything else…let it go, like Elsa said lol

      Liked by 1 person

  20. I’ve stopped arguing my point of view, too. Well, I still give my point of view, but when it’s clear someone disagrees with me, I leave them be. I don’t continue telling them why I’m right or start arguing. People make their own decision to change their mind and you can’t force them to.

    Liked by 3 people

  21. Chasing people for reciprocity is a good thing to bring up because you won’t get it often as you expect! Nicely worded and succinctly stated. I would like to make a resolution determining to play the lottery but not exceed the dollar amount I want to spend. In other words, I want to believe in good luck and fortune but mostly I will keep on working and staying the course! Best wishes for a good 2022!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. In my experience, I almost never get it as I expected. I tried not having any expectations, but that is way too hard for someone with my personality, so this is definitely the way to go.

      Best of luck as you play the lottery in a way that makes sense to you 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  22. Those two relationship conversations were difficult for sure. Sister in law relationships sure can be problematic. I try not to seek validation myself from those type of people, but golly, some things just hurt don’t they? Take care!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I only have one sister-in-law, and problematic is an understatement. My husband says it’s just a personality issue, which I understand completely. And yes…truth hurts, which I’ve learned is why people avoid telling it 😉

      Best wishes as you begin this new year!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sometimes people do you a favour by not wanting to be a part of your life, consider your sister-in-law’s actions a favour. I have a very dear friend who lives in Florida, I do not get to see her often, but when I start chatting with her, I remember all the times we shared and I love her even more. The quantity is not important, it is the quality of the time shared together.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I agree. At the time, my feelings were hurt, but that’s when I was an unhealed person. Today, I completely understand that she wasn’t meant to be a factor in my life. If she was, then she would be 😉

        I tend to believe that quantity and quality matter. If I rarely see people whom I claim to love, then I begin to question OUR love for one another.

        Like

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