Monday Notes: Relationships, Love, and Such

~ kegarland

More often than not, I have a little bit to say about a lot of things. I thought I’d share a few with you.

If we treated our girlfriends half as well as we do men, then women relationships might improve. Three years ago, I visited a friend in Sarasota. After the four-hour drive, I did as I sometimes do, stopped by her home first to pick her up for lunch. When I got there, she’d just finished her workout.

“Are you about to take a shower?” I asked, giving her athletic gear a once over.

“No! All I did was walk,” she said.

“If I was a man, you’d take a shower,” I replied.

She agreed but didn’t shower, and the above thought was born.

Why do we (sometimes) get all dolled up for the opposite sex but show up any type of way with our girlfriends? Is it comfort? Value? Societal teachings? For me, how I arrive depends on the event, not necessarily the company I keep, but in general, I show up freshly washed, with a nice outfit no matter if it’s the love of my life or a good friend.

If you love someone, then you’re implicitly saying you accept who they are. You can have acceptance without love, but you cannot have love without acceptance. For example, Dwight fully loves and accepts who I am. He encourages me to be myself, even if that means as he says it, “cussin’ a —- out” because he knows I’m fully capable of that behavior. But that doesn’t stop him from loving me.

People mistake how love and acceptance can show up, though. I have a cousin who lives with a mental illness. I love her like a sister, and I accept this part of her, but because I know her mental health can be overwhelming, I carefully choose when and how I will interact and be with her. Sometimes we forget we can choose how to be in people’s lives, and these choices have nothing to do with how much we love or accept someone.

Why is it we want our partners to have character traits we don’t? Why is that? I know people who desire vulnerability but have trust issues. I have friends who want a specific level of intimacy but don’t seem to know how to cuddle, show affection, or open up. I wonder if, when we seek a romantic partner, we’re seeking to fill a void of something we think we don’t have.

When Dwight and I first met, I wasn’t as self-aware, and consequently, I didn’t know how to be myself. He, on the other hand, seemed very confident in who he was and clear about what he would and wouldn’t do. Did I unconsciously seek someone who possessed the very things I needed to develop? I also wonder if helping one another to grow is more of the point of relationships, as opposed to racking up and celebrating years of companionship…like a prize. Maybe our friends and romantic partners are there to mirror who we are and to reflect who we can be.

Maybe our friends and romantic partners are there to mirror who we are and to reflect who we can be.

Let me know what you think.

120 thoughts on “Monday Notes: Relationships, Love, and Such”

  1. Pingback: Monday Notes: Relationships, Love, and Such – Gallery Of Life

  4. I think when you are in love you accept alot of things you wouldn’t ordinary accept. Those are the things that probably attracted you to the person in the first place someone being their true self. I hate when you in a relationship and someone tries to change you. This is who I am accept me for it or keep it pushing.

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    1. I do agree. When it’s romantic love, then you’re blinded by all kinds of things in the beginning. I hate that, too! I mean, I hate it when anyone tries to change me, lol, but never in a relationship where you allegedly liked me for me from the start 😉

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  6. Hi KE,
    There is so much here to think/talk about. Great post!!
    Love, love this: “Sometimes we forget we can choose how to be in people’s lives, and these choices have nothing to do with how much we love or accept someone.”
    Blessings! ♥♥

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  8. So many gems here! What resonated with me today: “Sometimes we forget we can choose how to be in people’s lives, and these choices have nothing to do with how much we love or accept someone.” This is tricky and often misunderstood. Thank you for putting it in words.

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  9. Dear K E Garland,

    Thank you for your lovely insights into “Relationships, Love, and Such”, including your very own with Dwight.

    I particularly like the following:

    Maybe our friends and romantic partners are there to mirror who we are and to reflect who we can be.

    Wishing and bringing you and your significant half “TRUE LOVE” as follows:

    Yours sincerely,
    SoundEagle

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  10. Kathy, you’ve proven to me once again that you are a deep thinker.
    I think that we become close to those who we have common interests with, who we can relax and have fun with, and who have certain qualities that we admire and can learn from. See ya.

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  11. My view on relationships is best summed up by Woody Allen:

    “It reminds me of that old joke- you know, a guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says, hey doc, my brother’s crazy! He thinks he’s a chicken. Then the doc says, why don’t you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. I guess that’s how I feel about relationships. They’re totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs.”

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  13. Also I do think it’s great when people do treat their friends (male or female equal). I’ve noticed that the younger generation males do tend be a bit more open to their male friends . And I think it’s important, same with women keeping up with their friends as they get older .

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  14. I think this is all pretty accurate. I can safely say we do gravitate to those that we look up to . Maybe not some much childhood friends , as people do change , but as we get older we do seek out those that have traits we lack , but still value.

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  17. “Did I unconsciously seek someone who possessed the very things I needed to develop?” I think about this all the time!
    You know, a lot of us seek people who possess the things we need the least. I guess, if you’re open, you can learn in either case.

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  19. Every single one of your posts gets me thinking! Especially the point about the contrasts between relationships, especially genders. I find myself incredibly accepting of older people and younger people .. and of the opposite sex. But the more alike we in age – the less accepting I am of our differences.

    For example: John is my polar opposite in personality and hence, interpretation and perception of the world (for the most part). Yet we are very similar in values (family, hard work, education etc.). I accept our differences without question (ok, not 24/7, but most of the time), and celebrate how it helps me see “the whole picture’ especially when I am blinded by fear (amygdala hijack is alive and well in my brain).

    The same holds true for people in their 70s and above, and under the age of 30. BUT I am less accepting of women of my age group. This unreasonable expectation to see the world similarly. (Which I know is a fallacy, we have 8 billion divided by 2 plus perspectives on this Earth).

    This is a psychological / cognitive bias, which could be explained by social psychology and competition. But when you are in the ‘middle of it’, it’s so easy to judge versus accept.

    And at the end of the day – unconditional love is unconditional for everyone. Right Dr. G? But that has to start with me… oh you have me always thinking..

    Have a wonderful week Dr. G!

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    1. Dr. D! You know I had to take my time and digest each of these words ❤

      Your first point is interesting. It reminds me of what I learned by watching a video about the 7 Essene Mirrors. I wonder if you're less accepting of people closer in age, gender, etc. because something you dislike is reflected back to you? This isn't about you personally, of course. But the idea is that even that which we judge in ourselves is reflected back to us in some way and that reflection causes judgments. Just a thought. This is true for me and some people in my life, as a matter of fact. I love them, but I'm like ugh…get it together lol

      It's always easier to judge than accept, I think, but I agree, especially hard when you're in the middle of it all.

      So, that last part makes me go back to my first answer lol It does start with you/ourselves, and if we accept ourselves and judge less, then we somehow seem to accept and judge others less ❤

      Light and love TwinProf…light and love.

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      1. You are so on point with the 7 Essene Mirrors. Because truly is projection Dr. G. Disowning the parts of the shadow self.

        Also portrayed The Shadow Effect and accompanying movie:

        https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_TBWtoTTV9ZdkDhiZGlk2Q

        The parts of myself that a) I don’t like (because of social expectations) and b) I wish I could act on more wildly and without constraint. (laughing as I type this because I have this fantasy of myself that will re-emerge when I retire…)

        A topic of wholeness and unconditional self acceptance you shared so beautifully on your Instagram account earlier this year.

        And, when I was recently asked in a podcast pre-interview questionnaire: “What is one thing nobody knows about you?” My answer was the intensity of who I am..

        Because, even to this day, if I want to SPEAK UP, I hear my mom’s voice saying “be careful Andrea, you might hurt people’.

        I am so grateful for your blog posts, your articles, your books, and your interviews. You always have me thinking! And opening up to a new way of being…. FREE

        Light and love TwinProf.. Light and love xo

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  20. Wow..let me just say, I have just realised that Val’s is approaching by reading this. Crazy right?

    I think we (even subconsciously) search for friends or even partners who have qualities we desire but don’t possess. Which is a good thing!

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  21. What beautiful thoughts, Kaye. I always enjoy your musings. Those exact questions I also ask myself. Now I’m wondering how true that is, personally. I love this part the most, “I also wonder if helping one another to grow is more of the point of relationships, as opposed to racking up and celebrating years of companionship…like a prize.” The kind of relationship I’d love in this life.

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  22. Pingback: Monday Notes: Relationships, Love, and Such – ابن الحاج

  23. Thank you for sharing!.. with a open mind, I usually accept another as who they are and wish to be, not what society believes they should be “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ( Oscar Wilde )…. 🙂

    Until we meet again..
    May the sun shine all day long
    Everything go right, nothing go wrong
    May those you love bring love back to you
    And may all the wishes you wish come true
    (Irish Saying)

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  24. “Maybe our friends and romantic partners are there to mirror who we are and to reflect who we can be.”

    I plan to show my partner this remark. 😀 I’m not sure what characteristic I have that he doesn’t have as much and wishes to emulate. It certainly is not tendency to be messy. I think he likes birding with me ’cause my awareness is very heightened in past few years about birds. Or going to some major art galleries with him because we walk along while I try to interpret what we see..especially if artistic work is highly symbolic or abstract. I dunno. I should ask. 😀

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  26. Those are great points! I do think that sometimes we choose a spouse or partner (or at least are attracted to them) because they have strengths that we lack. One of the traits I admired most about my husband was his “can do” attitude. If something needs to be done, he just rolls up his sleeves and gets to work. I came from a family that talked and analyzed everything to death and then mostly didn’t get around to doing much of anything! He was also an athlete and I’m a natural-born klutz who hates to sweat.

    But I really loved your first point. Why do we treat our women friends with less respect that our love interests? I remember once when I called an old friend to let her know I was in town and to arrange a get-together. All of a sudden her boyfriend, who lived in town and whom she saw all the time, tried to beep in. “That’s my boyfriend,” she told me. “I’ve got to go. I’ll call you later.” I said I understood, but honestly, I didn’t……..

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    1. You’re back!

      Thanks for these examples. I literally laughed out loud at your description of your family talking and analyzing.

      Thanks also for that affirmation of (some) women. I mean I get it. A former friend used to say she never gives relationship advice because she can’t do for a woman what a man can , but still I’m like whatever…Treat people like you’d want to be treated and no one wants to be treated like a second-fiddle option!

      By the way, the friend in this post has since realized that she should be more mindful about her frienships.

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  28. Just with the intro, you had me shaking my head. I think it’s great that we can be ourselves with our girlfriends. Maybe not stinky without a shower, but it’s great to relax and not have to get dolled up. At least for me! I actually do like to look nice when I go out with friends – and boy, these days I’m dreaming of doing that again. It’s a distant memory.

    I do agree with you about people pairing up with someone in order to complement the missing areas. For example, my ex-husband couldn’t write or spell well at all; he had severe dyslexia. And I had excellent English skills so I ended up always writing documents he needed.

    Initially, I was very understanding about his academic struggles. He had fabulous skills in building and repairing things, which I don’t have. So it was helpful for me to have someone that could take over in those areas. But ultimately, I was lonely in my marriage and often wanted more connection and affection.

    Great and thoughtful post as usual, Katherin!

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    1. lol I don’t know if she was stinky because I’m not sure I got that close to her that day lol but I agree with what you’re saying. For a minute, I wondered if I was trying to get her to be someone else, or if she just felt comfortable. I admit that it was a bit deeper. I’d just driven four hours to visit her…in my mind, the least she could’ve done was showered and put on a set of clean clothes.

      Thanks for sharing about your ex-husband. Relationships are so interesting to me! It’s fascinating that you’d be married to someone who is different in that way.

      Thank you, thank you Judy ❤

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      1. You made a good point, Katherin! If I drove 4 hours to see someone, I would love to see them ready – with a meal planned and waiting for me. Once again, the lens we see through is the one where we think of what we would do for a guest!
        By the way, I have a live this Saturday. 10 am pacific time. 🙂

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  29. I absolutely agree that all our relations – friends and partners are mirrors for us to look into ourselves. We know our work of transformation is working when how we do relations change. The focus shifts from what we do for other’s expectations to what we are to ourselves. Making choices for the joy of our being. I also had the idea that sometimes women dress up to impress/envy each other than perhaps for their partner. Personally, gender didn’t matter to me. I liked to look good or feel good so I did what I did. I do remember myself wanting those more confident friends – it took a certain skill/growing up to befriend those who inspire me and still walk my journey without feeling small.

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    1. “We know our work of transformation is working when how we do relations change. The focus shifts from what we do for other’s expectations to what we are to ourselves” YES. YES and YES!!! This is so true.

      I agree that some women do operate like that (trying to outdo one another). Luckily, I don’t think I’ve ever been friends with those types of women (as evidenced by the beginning of this post) lol

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      1. I am so happy to have this conversation 😊
        Yes I haven’t had such friends too, I seem to have low tolerance in general in that regard, and some might have been plain annoyed as I won’t engage that way 😄

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    1. Mek…lol you know I’m not gonna let you get away that easy. What about other relationships? Are they people who reflect something you desire in yourself, or no? And of course, I’m slightly kidding. No reason to answer 😉

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  31. Loved this post. I usually get dressed nicely for either male or female. It doesn’t matter. I have always dressed for myself.

    In fact, now that I live alone in a condo, I tend to make sure I look pretty good when I go downstairs to get my mail or take out the garbage. Unless I’m feeling crummy, I’ll get myself together whenever I leave the house.

    Heck, during the worst chemotherapy treatments I’d drag myself to the mirror to draw on eyebrows (you lose your hair, eyelashes, and eyebrows) and draw a thin line above my eyes. Mainly because I looked like an alien without definition without any hair framing my face. I made sure my chemo cap matched something I wore. It became part of my outfit. There were only women at the gynecological infusion center.A few women wore wigs, but most did not. I bought a couple wigs, but I didn’t wear them for a 7 hour chemo session, because chemo often gave me blisters on my head. But before the pandemic I’d wear wigs out. I bought cute caps and scarves for chemotherapy. I always tried to wear cool outfits too.
    I tried to look good.. actually I tried to not look like I was dying. Because I was grayish and scary looking for a while. So I did whatever I could to still look human and to motivate myself that I was going to live. Some women actually came in pj’s and slippers. But I needed to feel good about myself. I just always have done that. Not necessarily for a guy. I dress casually, I’m a jeans collector, I must have a hundred pairs. So I love style! But I think most women dress for themselves. Obviously, cancer kicked my butt. So now I only wear low heels, and my hair grew in gray and I have decided to keep it natural. But why not try to look nice most of the time? Now, if I feel crummy, I may not go all out, but I find I usually feel better when I put some effort into getting ready.

    I think your friend could have showered, but let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and say she was tired. Lol but the question is, why not put some effort in how you you look just for you?You don’t have to slap on a ton of cosmetics , but You never know who you’re going to run into. Lol it shouldn’t matter who you are with. It’s actually pretty Disrespectful to meetup with someone looking like you just got up. But maybe I’m too old school. I can be in all day and most of the time I get dressed pretty cute for myself. besides the ups guy is really cute and I’m always ready to say hi! 😁😉lol

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    2. I’m the same way Lesley. If someone says we’re going somewhere, then I get dressed. I mean, I don’t wear a prom dress, but I do try to have on clean clothes, etc. But, I’m also the person who showers and puts on body spray, even though I’m at home. Thing is…I wanna smell good for me, and if someone else happens to come along and smell my body spray, well good for them lol

      Thank you for sharing about your chemo experience as a way to show us how you have to get up and look good, even when you don’t feel good, or at least that’s what I took from that. This is advice for people who live with mental illness, like depression, too. Take a shower. Put on some clothes. Clean up around yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Somehow, it makes one feel better.

      She wasn’t tired, girl. She just didn’t want to do it, hence my follow-up statement about being a man. I guarantee that if a man drove four hours to see her, she would’ve been beyond beautiful :-/

      Anywho…thank you as always for the comment ❤

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      1. Yeah, I got the message about your friend just not wanting put the same effort in for a gal pal that she would for a man. That’s sad. You know, my best friend passed away from cancer three years ago. Towards the end and before I ever dreamed I’d have my own health challenges, I made sure we’d get together for lunch or an early dinner once a week. If she was too ill then I’d pick up food and come by or we’d order take out from her house. But when she and I met for meals, she always looked fabulous. She would have on a beautiful top, a great necklace and earrings, and there some days I could tell she wasn’t feeling well, but she always tried. I admired her so much for that. We didn’t go to fancy places, but she never failed to look her best. And her shoes? Girlfriend, her shoes and pocket book we’re always fabulous! When I’d visit her in the hospital she joke and say, “Don’t you dare comment on my hair! I know I need a cut and coloring.” Honestly, after I’d leaver her I’d sit in my car and cry sometimes because I knew she was so ill. But most of the time she pulled it off. I often wonder if what made her lose her spirit were those damn ugly hospital gowns. If they had given her something glamorous she would have held on for longer.
        I think If we lose our sense of self, we lose everything. It was dehumanizing to see my hair, eyebrows and lashes fall out. But I had to make myself feel like me any way I could. And so unless someone is too frail to do that, then it helps to do some self caring. In the case of lazy friends…I think they either don’t value the other person enough or they are too self centered to care about what’s socially correct. Friends and spouses deserve respect. It’s pretty simple.

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      2. Oh KE I think it might be a hoot for you to show up in a prom dress at that same friend’s house one day. Let her know that every time she’s unshowered or doesn’t get dressed that you are going to go to the opposite extreme just to show her how ridiculousness her behavior is. Prom dresses come in handy. One year on picture day when I was teaching we heard the kids complaining about having to look nice that day, so several fellow teachers and I decided we’d come to school in gowns like we were going to a prom. Seriously, we did that. I even wore a tiara. Lol so there we were… the fifth grade teachers dressed like we were at the prom, long dresses, gloves, shawls, etc. (the principal almost fell over in shock) . The kids loved it and wanted their own 5th grade dress up day. So you see we were influencers long before we even knew what that meant. Lol I remember what Billy Crystal said” it’s better to look good than feel good and you look marvelous! “

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      3. KE ignore the video. I thought it was just the quote by Billy Crystal. But evidently it’s a really bad music video I’d never seen before and it’s not really in sinc with politically correct standards for 2021. I clicked it to post thinking it was something else. My bad.

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      6. My students were great! We did have fun. I taught 36 years and a large amount of the students over the years have found and friended me on social media. They are the best. I kept my FB friends up to date on my progress during cancer treatment and because I got so many calls and it was easier to just post updates, and so many former students wrote to me saying the loveliest things. Teachers don’t realize the impact they make on children. It really touched my heart.

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  32. First, ““If I was a man, you’d take a shower,” I replied.

    She agreed but didn’t shower, and the above thought was born.”
    Wow.
    That seems disrespectful, to me. But what do I know?
    And mirroring or filling in our missing traits: I’ve heard that said before, and it kind of makes sense. I don’t know, I just avoid it all, these days.

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      1. Her not taking one.
        No, I’m not avoiding all relationships, just avoiding going out, and avoiding the whole romantic thing. And friends. And family. Actually, they’re not hard to avoid. Ok, I guess I’m pretty much avoiding all relationships. Still looking for some sort of a secular convent to join, where we all live together and work toward making a difference in this world, dedicating our lives to that and to each other (non-sexually), trying to take care of ourselves, each other, and the rest of humanity. I’ve still not figured out a way to either find or build some such place.

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      5. Ouch. I wish I could say that I had even half of the resolve and ability to gather people to my cause as displayed by Lauren Olamina. And I’ve always wished I were taller: much taller! 🙂 More solidly built, rather than petite. But then, in a lawless society, otoh, it also becomes legitimate to carry a weapon and defend oneself, so in some ways her choices were actually more simple. Yet, having the faith in herself to persist in the idea that we must go to the stars, even when humanity has devolved from homo saphiens saphiens to something more like canis lupus (and even they do not treat each other so foully), I had to take my hat off to her. My faith in humanity no longer extends so far (I’m more with her Xenogenesis idea: humanity is too hierarchical and power-hungry, perhaps, for our own good?

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  34. I don’t do much dolling up for anybody… equal opportunity slobbing?? Politics have caused friction. I’ve come to grips with some friends and family members who supported Trump but I’ve distanced myself somewhat, choosing when and how much to interact, and leaving some subjects off-limits. I think we are attracted to partners with traits we wish we had. Oddly enough, it is often those very traits that end up driving us up a wall. We might admire someone for saying what’s on their mind, but we expect them to do it reasonably and tactfully. Saying “I hate the dress you’re wearing” or “I hate yappy little dogs” to somebody with a yappy little dog might be honest, but it’s unlikely to do anything but cause hurt feelings and thus would be better left unsaid. Any good quality can turn into a bad one when misused or taken to the extreme. Opposites attract, so they say, and maybe it’s so we can learn from each other AND tone each other down a little. 🙂

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  36. I always say love is knowing what someone else’s faults are, but loving them anyway. FYI…I’m more likely to get dolled up for my females friends than my husband. Though what does that say? Though, that being said, pre pandemic, I wore makeup six days a week regardless of what I was doing, plus dressed in real clothes…

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  37. It’s a good question. I cannot even answer for myself – am I looking for someone to compensate my own shortcomings or to balance them out for a more harmonious relationship?
    Whatever our intentions to be honest about who we are from the outset of relationships, we reveal ourselves slowly, as trust and security develop.

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    1. It’s a tough one. I agree that we should be honest about who we are from the outset, but I find (personally) and from what I’ve observed that is a pretty challenging thing to do for some reason…probably due to fear of rejection/shame or something like that.

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      1. Or maybe because not everyone is enlightened. And who wants a partner who isn’t understanding of who you are?. Why settle? Do I want someone who shares my interests, sure. Would I ever consider someone who was a political opposite? Not at this age, no way. In youth it’s all about pheromones. As we mature it’s more about ideals and goals. I dated an old boyfriend from college after my husband died. He was still very attractive, but politically I discovered he was a Conservative Republican and there was no way I could see beyond that. It didn’t matter that he was good looking. I felt his values were crap. And he thought I was way too progressive. So we were at odds. Neither of us had changed really, but dating in college we just were more interested in dancing, listening to good music, and sneaking kisses in the hallway. It turned out he left school because he enlisted and I was protesting against the war in Viet Nam. We were never suited for one another. The Beauty about middle/old age is you know your self so much better. I find I’m much happier by myself. I’m more about enriching myself than worrying about how to please somebody else. Then again, my second husband died. We did compromise pretty well. I watched sports sometimes and he went to the theatre sometimes and we both were teachers so we shared enough in common I suppose. As long as nobody in the relationship feels slighted then I guess it works.

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      2. I agree. I am (politely and quietly) baffled by people who are in relationships on different parts of the political spectrum. I admire it in a way, but know if that were me, I’d be arguing bat and ball the whole time.

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      5. Yes libre, it’s always best to try and be honest with ourselves. “To thine own self be true!” And we also need to stay connected with the world as it changes and progresses. I moved into a 55 and older condo community after my husband died. What I notice is some of the residents are out of touch or sound so out of touch because they are not around younger people or may not have cable news stations. Some of their phrases come out sounding sexist, racist, or chauvinistic. Most of the time it’s when they joke around but it’s so politically incorrect that I cringe. These are seemingly nice people not meaning to sound wrong, but this isn’t 1955 any more. 😳 We can never stop being aware and keeping in touch with who we are today and where we want to go. Sometimes, I think many women my age or a few years older live in a totally different universe. And they talk about the past as if it were perfect. I loved the late 60’s for the political change, the music, the fashion, but there was so much bigotry and sexism then that we can’t forget the bad things that happened too.

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  38. A very important topic to talk on, yet nobody does! It’s high time and these things shouldn’t be more encouraged, so a nice a way to create an awareness. I appreciate what you write and these topics are so like, makes an impact on our minds! Just never stop writing and reading my blogs ✌🏻💫 ❤️

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  39. As always, an interesting thoughtful and thought provoking post. I try to clean up for my friends as well as my partner. I’ll take that idea a step farther, if your partner doesn’t shower or dress nicely for you, is that the beginning of the end? Does it matter if you’re staying in or going out?

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    1. Thank you Laura! That’s a good follow-up question. If it is an ongoing trait (and not tied to some type of depression), then my answer is yes lol that’s the beginning of the end for me. If we’re staying in as a sort of date night thing, then maybe/maybe not…I think that can be a mutual agreement, like hey…we’re going PJ chic tonight lol

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      1. PJ chic! Lol. Obviously with the pandemic date night is often in the comfort of our own home, but there should still be some effort involved. I was in a bad relationship for so long, I didn’t realize how much I settling I was doing. Now, the gestures of kindness and love in a new healthy relationship are sometimes overwhelming (in the best way possible) because I hadn’t had anything for so long.

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      3. Laura, I guess I think differently. I don’t know that I ever thought about particularly wearing anything just because I thought someone else would like it. I mean, even when I started dating again after my second husband husband passed, I may have wanted to look attractive, and would put on makeup or earrings that highlighted my face…But, the clothing choice was whatever struck my fancy. I never dressed for a man. In fact, a few years ago, The Broward Center for the Arts brought back the play “Hair”. I was recently dating a man who was close to my age, maybe a year or two younger, but we both were teens when that play was on Broadway, and one of the things that we had in common was being from the same generation. When he picked me up he was surprised to see how I was dressed which kind of shocked me. Now, keep in mind, I was an actress in my youth. My first husband and I were both in the theater, my late second husband and I enjoyed going to the theater. So, I usually dressed with a theme that reflected the play I was seeing. It’s just something theatre folks do. So for this play I wore these fabulous vintage embroidered flared jeans and a flowing top with a colorful scarf and long hoop earrings. ( I received a design scholarship when I originally went to college so fashion has always been my thing.) anyway he was surprised and commented, “what on earth are you wearing!” I think he might even have been slightly embarrassed. Now keep in mind, this guy constantly talked about his hippie days and sought out these tickets so I dressed for the occasion. I mean I wasn’t wearing a bandanna around my head. I was very Boho chic. It was perfect for this play. And had I gone with my friends we all would have dressed this way. But I realized this guy was all baloney. He was a control freak trying to empress me but didn’t want me to veer off his view of the norm. I still enjoyed the play, was cordial when we had a snack after the play, but I really didn’t think we had that much in common. If he was concerned about my fashion choice then I knew I couldn’t date him. I wasn’t going to curb my fashion expression for anyone. Besides, I’ve always been a bit bohemian. So, I tend to like people with an appreciation for the arts. So, no. I don’t dress for anyone else. Had I not been a single parent in the 70’s I probably would have stayed in fashion or the theatre, but I used my education degree instead and never regretted it. People usually find like minded people in relationships. In marriages, it works best if you’ve got a lot in common, or know how to blend your differences. But if anyone ever told me how to dress. I’d delete them. Self expression is part of my soul. (By the way, that guy called continuously for years but I wasn’t interested). What’s that song? “I gotta be me!”

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      4. Your outfit for Hair and sense of style sound wonderful. I was referring to wearing clothes you know that your partner likes that you also like. If you have a (fill in the blank) that you wear and it’s raggedy/unflattering/from a previous relationship/rough to the touch so your partner doesn’t want to cuddle or otherwise not enhancing your relationship, maybe don’t wear it 3 days in a row. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Everyone has their own dealbreakers and things they are looking for.

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      5. Yes everyone has their own deal breakers for sure. I get it. But.. Scratchy clothes? Three days in a row? Ewww. Do people even do that? I suppose homeless folks have to, or some clueless college Boys. But wait… I raised two sons. One kept a messy room that annoyed the heck out of me, but I taught them both how to wash their own clothes in 5th grade. They weren’t personal hygiene deprived, they had an understanding that daily showers and clean clothes were a necessity. What adult would wear the same clothes for days on end? Like I wrote earlier, even going through intense chemotherapy when I left the house I wore nice clothing. After some extreme surgery, you must change clothing or germs spread. And I’m not a clean freak at all. But, personal hygiene? Really? I actually hired care workers round the clock for a week after major cancer surgery a year ago. I couldn’t get out of bed for a week without assistance. And obviously there was medical stuff that needed to be tended to. (Not how I wanted to spend my savings but sometimes we do what we must). Nobody likes to get up and change clothing when they are really sick but you can’t stay in dirty, smelly clothing. I dunno, but I wonder how those folks were raised? Did they never learn to take care of themselves? I raised sons. I wanted them to be self sufficient. And, being a feminist I raised my sons to respect women and appreciate intelligent, independent females. So, it’s hard for me to comprehend why women would tolerate, especially in today’s world men who aren’t enlightened.

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