My mother used to tell a story of when I was in pre-k. When she picked me up, the children played on the lawn, pretending to cross a bridge. I was the bridge. I lay flat on the grass, while my friends walked on me.
Even at four years old, I demonstrated the lengths I’d go through to be liked. My desire only increased as I aged.
By the time Dwight and I met, it was easy to switch out a short, honey-blonde hairstyle for longer, brown tresses he’d once commented he preferred. I traded my red lipstick for a natural brown color and stopped wearing bright green shorts for plain, denim ones. I faded into the background of life to ensure he’d always like me, ignoring the fact that he liked me when we met.
I’d mastered people pleasing beyond marriage.
In 2016, my director invited me to a party seventy-two miles away in the city where I work. I didn’t want to go for a few reasons:
- The party was Saturday and I received an invitation Wednesday.
- It was seventy-two miles away.
- I only knew the host.
I discussed it with a friend of mine, who insisted I should attend because of work politics, and…well, because I was invited.
To be clear, I had a good time. In fact, I wrote about it here. But why did I go? Although attending had nothing to do with work, I wanted to be seen as a good employee and a well-liked person. I also didn’t want to disappoint the host.
People pleasing ruled again.
That year, I also published The Unhappy Wife. The number of friends, family, and bloggers who read and wrote unsolicited reviews surprised me. Everyone engaged, except…my husband*.
By self-admission, Dwight reads one book a year. Additionally, he’s not fond of creative nonfiction. But I didn’t care. I obsessed over the idea of him reading and reviewing my book. I needed his opinion. I wouldn’t let it go until I knew what he thought.
I’d argue most of us would want our significant other to read our work. However, something more was happening here. I sought external validation in the form of praise, which is another form of people pleasing.
That was four years ago.
Developing self-worth and establishing boundaries have compelled me to stop living to please others. These three ideas work together.
Because I value myself, I no longer seek external validation. Though I’d like for my husband to read my words, I don’t ask anymore. If he reads this blog or latest publication, I’m excited when he mentions it, but I don’t need him to perform an act to make me feel good about myself.
Because I’d created time and personal boundaries, I knew when my director invited me to another party, I didn’t have to go. I didn’t need to spend three hours on the road and another few hours socializing with strangers to prove I was a good co-worker, associate, or friend. Another strategy I’ve mastered is not explaining my decision. As Oprah once emphasized, “No is a complete sentence.”
Because I’d worked on knowing myself and developing a sense of identity, I’ve returned to wearing red lipstick for no other reason than I like it. Bright colors have crept back into my wardrobe because I like them. And I wear my natural hair in a unique short precision cut because I like it. Each decision is a manifestation of my personality, which is now clear to me.
Here are other actions that have been helpful:
- I take my time to answer when someone asks me to do something. Let me sleep on it is a useful phrase.
- I prioritize my own needs over others’ feelings. If staying at a hotel is more relaxing than someone’s house, then I do that.
- I make more decisions based on emotional, professional, or personal effects and fewer on how I will be perceived.
Finally, I now know the most important person who needs to like me is…me. Others’ affection is a bonus. Releasing people-pleasing behaviors is a third practice that’s helped me to be less codependent.
Finally, I now know the most important person who needs to like me is…me.kegarland
Let me know if you’d add anything else that’s been helpful for you.
*Dwight read The Unhappy Wife about five months after publication and it taught me an invaluable lesson about external validation.
115 thoughts on “Mental Health Matters: No More People Pleasing!”