Monday Notes: Control in the Midst of Too Much

Sometimes life is too much, like last month.

There was too much to accept.

Too much estrogen and not enough progesterone means I have a menstruation cycle every other week…sometimes. Other months, I have no period at all.

After showing me two ultrasounds of my “perfect” uterus and peering at my chart to check my age, two gynecologists assured me this is natural.

“It’s perimenopause,” they’ve both said, while shrugging their shoulders and pursing their lips into a doctor smirk, as if to say, buckle up.

The media makes it seem as if this phase of a woman’s life is all about hot flashes and moodiness. No one mentioned rogue periods.

Last month, I had too much to accept.

I wanted my oldest daughter to live her life partially on my terms: go to college, find a trade, whatever. Just be a productive citizen independent of her father and me. Guess what she’s done? Whatever she wants. Thus far, her life has consisted of bad decisions that, every now and then, cause me to ponder and fear for her wellbeing. Her life is made up of Tyler Perry tropes and Lifetime movie narratives. Lifetime used to be fun to watch on lazy Sundays. I remember stuffing my face with some snack, while analyzing how silly each woman seemed. It’s less entertaining when it’s your daughter.

Last month, I had too much to accept.

I finally felt COVID-19’s thievery. The pandemic had successfully snatched the type of life I’d carefully crafted and turned it into a sort of dull loop. This probably seems like no big deal to those who’ve suffered job or health loss. But I’m not really into comparing losses right now. This current way of life is not what I desire. I wanted to go to a movie, regret eating too much popcorn, and lose myself in someone else’s conflict for two hours. I wanted to visit my friends. I wanted to do more than shower and log on to our college’s learning management system.

But I couldn’t. I can’t.

I just have to accept what is. I have to accept what I can’t control and begin to control what I can.

Biologically, my body is going to do what women’s bodies do. The process is out of my hands. Sure, I can drink some herbal tea, but I can’t control perimenopause any more than I can control my eyes blinking. I can, however, properly exercise for my age and eat foods that work for my current body.

My twenty-one-year-old daughter unconsciously lives life on the edge and doesn’t notice when she’s about to lose her footing. Though it’s distressful, I can’t control this. She is not a child whom I can punish for two weeks. However, I can establish new physical and emotional boundaries for our relationship, which stem from love, yet also protect me from being swept up in her maelstrom. I like to watch suspenseful movies, not be a part of them.

Finally, COVID-19 is here to stay. The disease and our president’s lack of leadership is out of my control; however, I can determine what type of pandemic life I’m going to live. Sometimes I make a traditional Saturday breakfast during the middle of the week to shake things up. I’ve also begun taking random trips within my city to photograph inspirational moments. In a couple weeks, Dwight and I will travel to Michigan to attend our cousin’s wedding. According to the invite, social distancing rules will be in effect. This should be interesting.

I still have a lot to accept that I’ve left unsaid. But I’m getting better at focusing on what I can control. It’s been a helpful way to exist these days.   

~kg 8/26/20

74 thoughts on “Monday Notes: Control in the Midst of Too Much

  1. I’m glad you are on the path of radical acceptance. It is too much (on all levels) and sometimes we need to say that and be okay with it. Your daughter’s on her on path and so is your body. Can’t change it. Sometimes it sucks so much we can’t even self-care our way out of it.

    Just a note that when I was going through peri, I thought everyone in the world knew I was having a hot flash during a meeting even though I have natural red undertones. Turns out they didn’t. It also turns out the more uncomfortable (and mad) I let myself be about it, the worse the symptoms were. “A body’s gotta do what a body’s gotta do” was the mantra I finally settled on and I got through it, although it was no joy ride. Shortly after I passed through that gate, all of the unpleasantness left me and I thought, “I earned this peace.” Big hug.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you girl! Radical acceptance is what’s up right now. Otherwise, I’ll stress myself out…and yes to unchangeable paths…that is a thing that I’m not sure we’re taught, you know?

      Even in what you described at work, the ideas was just to relax and be, right? I’m getting there and I’m super grateful for all of blogging encouragement from women ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No, nobody told us about unchangeable paths. You’re on the right track. When I relaxed about it, it changed the game. Bad stuff was still happening, but I had more of an “oh well” attitude. Some of it was almost funny. Like how come I am running the temperature of the sun and nobody else knows? You got this.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. “The disease and our president’s lack of leadership is out of my control; however, I can determine what type of pandemic life I’m going to live.”

    This so true. We have been abandoned by our Federal Government and must all become epidemiologists and experts in disease control.

    Vaccine or no vaccine: The answer seems to be: Wear a mask. Keep social distance.
    The vaccine – if and when it comes – will be no silver bullet.
    And we have a vacuum at the highest level.

    And calling the tRump a vacuum is the politest way I can descript his criminal incompetence.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 😂😂😂 this made me laugh, so it’s a win. I also like your blog name.

      But really, yes. At the least, wear your mask and keep away. Vaccines? Nah. I’ll be waiting a while, especially if it’s approved by the president 🙄

      Like

      1. Thanks.
        One of the great COVID sources I follow on Twitter is Eric Topol. @EricTopol. He wrote this yesterday:

        “We’ll be needing to wear masks for a long time, not just when vaccines are approved or start implementation.
        Effective vaccines don’t provide mucosal IgA immunity and will increase the rate of asymptomatic carriers.”

        There’s lots more and he’s a great resource for sanity in wild times of criminality at the White House.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow. I feel like this is the twilight zone. I just had a very similar conversation with one of my besties about her daughter. I even said to her, this is “Much on top of Much” so for me to come over here and read almost the same thing is uncanny.
    But…
    I’m not surprised because we are always on the same wavelength.
    All I can say to you, as I said to my friend, I am here to witness and listen as needed. I will always be around.
    Sending up prayers for your inner peace regarding your mental and physical health— and harmony within your family.
    Much love,
    G

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have honestly not seen Covid challenges as anymore or less than the way I approach other challenges that have arisen in my life to date (and I acknowledge tge privelagesI have that allow me to say that —a job, stable housing, free medical care and fast testing etc). What’s helped me with that approach is knowing none of it is permanent. If anything, the time and freedom from the usual distractions that have come about with fewer options of things to do and people to see has meant I am dedicating more time to working through shit, not waiting for things to get to the point of no-option-but-to-address-it stage. I hope you continue with the acceptance that is helping and that you find more ways to carve out the life you want in the here and now x

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Menopause and all things related to it are so very, very hard! Add that to all the other stuff we’re dealing with these days, and it’s no wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed. The Covid lifestyle stinks, pure and simple. So I think you should do whatever gets you through the day and makes you feel at least marginally better…and remember that better days will come. Life is nothing but a series of ups and downs, and lord knows we’re due for an “up!”
    PS: If it helps, my husband was chatting with his oncologist about Covid this morning, and he said we’re learning a lot about controlling and treating this virus and that a vaccine for it will be more effective than the flu one has been. It’s just a glimmer of light, but I’ll take it, and thought it might help to pass along. Hang in there!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. “A dull loop”

    This ^ is the best three word summary of COVID I have read in a very long time Dr. G 💡

    Nothing to take the edge of the daily + cyclical challenges of life – including perimenopause!

    Acceptance is truly the only way out. A daily and often hourly prayer for me.

    Including day one back in the classroom (today) when the entire online platform was down 🙄

    We must be quite a dramatic comedy for aliens watching COVID unfold………..

    Sending you a double dose of patience & love

    Dr. D ❤️❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  7. so sorry you’re having to handle so much all at once — is it possible that your body is reacting to the stress? I agree, that a doctor isn’t good just because they’re women. family is so much harder than friends I think because there’s so much history as well as expectations, but I have no clue how to get around it. for me, intention goes far, tho. as for menopause, I went thru it around time of cancer diagnosis, so wasn’t sure what had to do with what. for whatever its worth, I found mixing in some alternative therapy is helpful for just about any physical challenge—acupuncture, nutrition, herb info from Susun Weed helped some as did Dr. Christine Northrup & Dr. Weil who combine trad & alt medicine

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks da-AL. So, this perimenopause 2 periods/no period thing has been going on for a few years, hence the two different doctors, but you know, the human body is interesting and my body does physically react to stress. It very well may have kicked in again because of the whole daughter thing.

      I’m familiar with Dr. Weil and I’ll look into Dr. Northrup as well…thanks for offering these.

      The only way I CAN get through the family thing is to be there when she needs me and not get swept up in it if she does. Otherwise, she absolutely knows I have her back and support, but I can’t do (nor does she want me to lol) the daily updates of it all.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Being 48 and menopauze already behind me, I tell you, you will enjoy the day the ‘moody days’ will be over. However, what dazzled me at the time I learned I was through it, the sudden feeling of not being a complete woman any longer. Ridiculous of course, however, emotions do weird stuff with our minds. Yes, accept it, it is indeed the key. And remember, you’re unique, so all the good advice people like to give you, probably won’t work for you. So stick to your gut feeling how to deal with it 😉

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Patty! Where have you been all year? Are you okay. And how is menopause already behind you at 48? Is it a story you can share? Maybe you can email it to me.

      I understand how that feeling can creep up. I mean menstruation has been such a huge part of women’s lives, kind of like breasts. So, if we lose it, then we have to redefine what it means to be a woman, by our standards, not society’s this time. Thanks for provoking this thought in me.

      Thanks also for this advice. I guess like anything, I have to feel my way around it and do what’s best for me ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  9. The pandemic has left me with a lot of regret. I put off a lot of trips and engagements with the intent of getting to them in the future. If anything I’ve come to value the moment and will not allow those things to go unfulfilled. You are showing a lot of strength and wisdom by taking these challenges head on, making adjustments, but not allowing these situations to adjust you.

    Liked by 4 people

  10. You sound like you’ve had a lot on your plate, Kathy. And you are right, sometimes life can be too much. But what I always find encouraging is your ability to put things into perspective. To accept what is often proves a sensible thing to do. Hope you have a wonderful time at your cousin’s wedding.

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Oh, Katherin, so much of what you wrote could have been me talking. What was really helpful was the part about comparisons. I feel guilty complaining about the pandemic when I haven’t been touched by the actual horrors of the virus. But the effect is there. Certainly, I keep eating and gaining weight – food is my source of comfort. And I know I am not alone with this coping method.
    It’s all about patience and not looking too far ahead. Like you, I’ve made peace with things and have started going into stores again and being cautious. This is our new normal for awhile. I think the best thing we can do is be gentle on ourselves. Great post, as always.

    Liked by 3 people

  12. Almost exactly word for word the same.

    Perimenopause had me completely upside down (and after a 4 month hiatus of ‘really, this is finally it’ and just getting used to it, the bloody murder scenes came back with a vengeance. Being a woman is NOT for wimps. Sigh.

    And the term ‘covid thievery’ is spot on. I am so there with you on all of that. I’m working hard on making things better for myself but it hasn’t been easy.

    PS I bought your book and started reading it (The Unhappy Wife). The little bleeding kitten in one of the first stories is still perturbing me. Looking forward to continuing reading… 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Riiight! I told someone it’s like I got shot in the you know what. It’s ridiculous, and quite frankly, I think this should be more common knowledge than not.

      RE: Covid. I was okay the first half, but then summer kicked in and then I was like ohhh this is what everyone was feeling in March lol

      Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! That kitten story is my “favorite.” I think that was the first one, right? It shows all of the things that we sometimes do in relationships. Even after I interviewed her, I was like, “girl you know he killed your cat, right?” She said she wasn’t sure because he never admitted it.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I am sorry I found it funny I you describe your daughter’s life, and not wanting to be a part of that movie, lol.
    Sounds like you are doing the best you can with the covid situation, and your daughter will soon or later wake to the realities of this world; that to survive in it, one has to hustle in order to find his or her place.
    Good luck with social distancing at that wedding!

    Liked by 3 people

  14. Focusing on what it’s possible to control sounds like a good philosophy! It’s so hard to remember sometimes, though, especially on those days when it all feels too much. I’m having one of those days today, where the daily routine starts to feel like a “dull loop” as you said, so it was good to read this!

    Liked by 3 people

  15. Hang in there and good luck at the wedding. Look at Clary Sage PMS essesntial oil blend from Elizabeth Van Buren in Calif.. they can ship. The quality is excellent and it smells good. Make sure you don’t get cheap brands these are medicinal.. Hope it might help. ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I do get saving money for sure. This will last you a long time. 3 drops rubbed on belly and smelled.. smells really good. my clients find it helps a lot. My daughter uses the lavender in her classroom (well used to 😥) and said it really calmed the kids and when she brought cheaper brands the kids had weird reactions. It’s not that pricey so there’s that.. good luck.

        Liked by 1 person

  16. I’m surprised medicine has not advanced any since I went through perimenopause – I remember the frustration well. I think many of us felt the wall too K. So much seems out of control in the world right now. Your advice is a good one. Control what we can.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. No one has suggested one thing to me lol but to be fair, I’m not much of a meds kind of girl, so I’m not sure I’d be receptive. At the same time, I’m thinking they haven’t advanced because people don’t care about women as much as they say they do.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. TMI, I’m sure, but I bled profusely during that time and all they would say is perimenopause – and take iron. It’s a relief when it’s over. Now that we are talking about it, I recall attending a conference with medical researchers who admitted that women do not make good test subjects, so we remain guinea pigs in the face of medicine.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. It’s never TMI on my blog lol I completely understand. It’s annoying and makes you self-conscious. Remind me to tell you about the time I had on white pants 70 miles away from home 🙄 and good grief 🤦🏽‍♀️ maybe some woman doctor will come through and provide help.

        Liked by 2 people

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