Friendship and the Expectation of Support (Part II)

Yesterday, I shared how disappointed I was when close friends didn’t ask me how an important event went.* As I mentioned, I processed my feelings for several days. Meaning, I talked to Dwight about it, until every angle was exhausted; I removed myself from speaking words to anyone outside of my husband and daughters so that others’ thoughts didn’t influence my intuition; I lit some sage incense and meditated for fifteen consecutive days; and I journaled about the answers that came to me.

During meditation, I heard a very distinct message: Do not be concerned with affairs of the ego.

My understanding of “ego” comes from Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth (2005). Loosely summarized, he says that it’s the I, which we all develop, but which none of us really is. Tolle calls it “a misperception of who you are, an illusory sense of identity” (p. 27).

Our egos are stories that we’ve told ourselves about ourselves. This can range from the type of mother you think you are to the type of co-worker you appear to be, good, bad, or otherwise.

I was steeped in my identities.

I am an author.

I am a writer.

I am friend.

I was swimming in my stories.

I am an indie author, who doesn’t have major names behind me offering marketing, etc. I need a different type of support. I’m a writer, whose main purpose is to raise consciousness by sharing my authentic self. Is this noticed? I’m a good friend, and if I’m a good friend to others, well then, they will be an equally good friend to me.

I’d gotten lost in my ego.

moon

Yesterday, I also said that my close friends were in their ‘life’s bubble’, but quite honestly, so was I. I was in my oh my god, I can’t believe we’re having another reading in a different city, like a book tour bubble. My look at me being a different type of indie author bubble. I was also in my people cried and began to think about their circumstances in a different way bubble. Is this what raising consciousness looks like? And in my good friends ask each other about important events bubble of judgment.

You might be wondering what I’ve done as a result of these revelations. I’ve returned to two things I’ve been working on the past five years: having no expectations and not judging others. Neither is an easy task, but I do want to clarify.

Having no expectations doesn’t mean not having standards for people. In this scenario, it simply means I shouldn’t have expected my friends to call or not call. Subsequently, if someone did ask me how everything went, then that’s fine; if not, then that’s okay too. Also, for me, not judging means not passing judgment on my friends’ actions. If a person doesn’t reach out and show interest, it doesn’t mean that they’re a “bad” friend; likewise, if a person does ask for an update, it doesn’t mean they’re a “good” friend.

So, this is my second conclusion: Identity + Story = Ego. Don’t be concerned with affairs of the ego. And stop making up stories about yourself and others.

Tomorrow, I’ll share my third conclusion.

*Since writing this but before publishing it, someone I consider a friend did text me and ask about the reading 🙂

PART I

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48 thoughts on “Friendship and the Expectation of Support (Part II)

  1. Well I’m glad I made it to part 2, cause after part 1 you were almost cancelled 😂

    I love the self reflection Kathy…that’s the only way to evolve, and without moments that make us reflect on our behaviour; we wouldn’t have something to reflect on. It is a life long process…we get caught up in the ‘stuff’ like getting good grades, getting a job, being a good parent/friend/partner/employee etc…but all that is just a series if interactions and experiences that leads us to the real point (imo)which is the growth that comes from the drama. The bit I haven’t figured out yet is…ok, all this growth, then we die?!?!?!

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    1. That’s Mek. From what I can tell, it depends on what you believe. For example, I’ve listened to a few podcasts/videos about karmic lives, and some believe (as you may already know) that you continue to reincarnate in order to resolve karmic issues from the past, which can only be done by creating this life and learning more lessons. But who knows? lol

      I’ll tell you like I’ve told Dwight…when I die, I’ll come back and let you know, if I can lol

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      1. Yeah, I find it hard to believe it ends in this realm but hard to comment on what’s next till I get there. Energy can’t be created nor destroyed so that as well as the spiritual angle suggests we must become something else…transmigration.

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      2. It’ll be a clear sign. Like the bird will continuously chirp and always have something to say and stare at you every morning and then I’ll come to your dreams. And I’ll be red. A red cardinal. I’ve thought this out lol

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  2. Looking forward to the conclusion tomorrow, but I appreciate your points about the ego/the I. That can really “play us” at times. I do think, though, that sometimes our “greatness” doesn’t get the attention we think it should because in the eyes of those around us we’re _always_ doing great things. It’s not surprising or new to them, so they might miss how important or challenging it is for us.

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  3. I too find The New Earth by Eckharte Tolle to be a powerful inspiration. I hear you so clearly. Crossing that bridge to the other side of expectation does seem difficult – to me it would feel as if I am going somewhere alone, wanting/needing that company from those whom I think I have given the same. It is the fear of being alone and then always as if in the role of giving exactly what I wish to have. It is so much freedom though if we let go and rise above these needs of the ego.

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    1. It is, indeed, liberating once we truly let go…the letting go part is the hard part, as you say lol It makes sense as I’m writing it or writing about it, but in the moment is when I need to remind myself.

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  4. Great reminders on the ego, Kathy. We all get caught up in the stories we tell ourselves. I read Tolle’s A New Earth the year it was released. I had “bigger” issues then, which basically means I felt the world owed ME something. I learned some valuable lessons from that book. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy not to get lost in one’s ego, I still do. It’s a work in progress. Brilliant posts, looking forward to reading the next. 🙂

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    1. Woooow! Thinking the world owes you IS a big one Khaya! It’s so easy to spiral down that ego path lol that’s why consciously living can be a challenge.

      Thanks again for always reading and commenting.

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  5. Excellent post giving me much to think about. I’m on my way to the doctor’s so I’ll have to elaborate later, but you bring up some important points. Am I being judgmental and realistic about myself as well as others.? Also who the hell am I? Writers are in a sense dozens of people. We are our characters. (To some degree anyway. )And I was an actress as well, and I promise you that there are hundreds of characters roaming around my brain. Some I’ve created and written down and others I’ve interpreted and transformed into on stage. ALL are – were me for a moment in time. So who is the real Lesley? Who are any of us? Hmm must go I’ll write later.

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