Monday Notes: I’m Over It βœŒπŸΎ

They say a lesson will repeat itself until learned. Well, there are a few experiences that continue to resurface even though I’m sure I’ve been a great student and gleaned all that I can. I just can’t take it no more y’all! Maybe the universe feels otherwise. Either way, here are four things I’m over.

People feeling shitty but blaming it on me. Have you ever walked in a room and immediately felt sadness, then later learned the person who lives there is sad about something? This happens to me quite a bit, except the person who’s wrapped in sadness, anger, or hurt doesn’t realize it and attempts to blame it on something I’ve said or done. I believe the technical term is called, projection. Over the years, I’ve found it’s more convenient for people to point the finger at me, as if I’ve done something to make them feel bad,Β rather than be still and take account of their own energy field.Β It recently happened with one of my cousins, and let me tell you…I’m over it. I truly wished we all learned how to take responsibility for our own space and thoughts and then functioned from that place.

This ongoing feud between my brother-in-law, his wife, and me. For over twenty years, I’ve teetered back and forth in a tit-for-tat relationship with my BIL and his wife. He’s done or said hurtful things, and I’ve done the same. The most recent event happened when my dad died a couple of years ago. He nor his wife reached out to me with condolences. I was hurt (again). But took it as a clear message. I told them so in a letter. I thought the situation was over, but recently an in-law re-opened the conversation. I’m over it. I wished we could all clear the air and move forward in the most positive way possible. And if not, then I’m happy to let it go, without further mention.

My family expecting me to continue to visit them. My mother’s side of the family lives in Michigan and Illinois. Every year, they meet at a central house in Chicago for Christmas. Every other year, for seventeen years, my husband and I have packed up the girls and Rascal and driven 1,000 miles there and 1,000 miles back to spend that holiday with that side of the family. It’s exhausting. It’s expensive. And it’s something Dwight and I decided we no longer wanted to do. We’re over it. I can tell extended family is unsettled about the decision. But spending time at my home, with my husband and daughters, around our tree was the most stress-free Christmas I’ve had in my adult life. I wished they could be okay with that and know they’re welcomed at my home any holiday.

Apologizing for past behavior because someone else chooses to live in the past. This one is a combination of the first two grievances. One of my cousin’s complaints was that I never visit her. She was right. So, I planned a visit. But during the entire time, she continued to complain about how I never visit or do anything for her. Huh? I’m here now. I’m visiting now. I’m literally in your space…right…now. You don’t get to say that anymore. Likewise, I’ve had criticisms about my brother-in-law and his wife and they’ve had some about me. However, in an effort to move forward, I’ve apologized, profusely and to no avail. They’ve never accepted an apology from me, and I’m not going to assume why. I don’t know. But what I refuse to do is live in the hurt of past situations with them or anyone else. I’m over it.

Do you have any reoccurring experiences with family or friends? How do you handle family situations or expectations? Is there anything you’re over but keep having to deal with?

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95 thoughts on “Monday Notes: I’m Over It βœŒπŸΎ

  1. I’m sorry this is a “thing”. Family can sometimes be so hurtful. But, you’ve apologised! if they can’t or won’t accept the apology, there’s nothing you can do about that. At least you tried to clear the air. Good for you, for being the bigger person and taking the high road. We should all aspire to do the same.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for these kind words. That’s exactly what I’ve tried to do, and I’ve had to accept what you’ve said. There’s nothing I can do about any of it. It’s not on me to do something about anymore. I appreciate your comment πŸ™‚

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  2. So much to say, but I will say this: I stopped dealing with certain family members a while ago. Too much stress. Always in competition with you and hold your past over your head. Thanks for posting this Kathy. I feel better about the decisions I made. Love your posts. ❀

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  3. I harken back to my therapists words when I was struggling with my relationship with my in-laws. I was taking on the burden of maintaining the relationship while my husband ignored his parent’s ever increasing demands. She said, “Your husband has developed coping mechanisms over his entire life. Maybe he has the right idea and you have the wrong one. Why do you need to be polite to them? Do they reciprocate?” Oh. Duh.

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    1. Exactamundo! I’ve learned to stop trying so hard with everything/everyone and to let some things fall into whatever place they may. Sometimes it’s easy; sometimes it’s hard, but more importantly, I’ve come to be at peace with making conscious decisions that I can live with.

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  4. Hi Kathy,
    Thanks so much for this real and authentic post!!! I so appreciate you and how honest you are. It’s important to be able to speak freely and look at those places inside of us that are not at peace (no matter how hard that can seem sometimes).

    One area I have a continual struggle has to do with men I’m in relationship with … especially worrying they are going to leave, and that they are going to stop loving me. I’m really working this old pattern of “unloveability”, you know that? It starts with me and with Spirit. I have a coaching lab (like a retreat) I’m going into this weekend, and I plan to work on it there.

    Thanks for asking. I love you, Kathy. Blessings, Debbie

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    1. You’re welcome Debbie! Thanks for reading and commenting. For the past 3 years or so, I’ve devoted much of my time to being as honest as I can possibly be, and I’m glad you and others appreciate it ❀

      I hope you're gleaning much from the coaching lab! Also, have you figured out where the "unloveability" pattern stems from? For me, that's been the best way for me to grow through something, figure out the root πŸ˜‰

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      1. Interesting you ask that. I have two answers:
        1 – for me, I get that it stems from feeling separate from God / Spirit.
        2 – the person who led our coaching lab talked about the enneagram and how each one of us has a different motivation or perspective on the “unloveability”. It was pretty interesting.
        Anyway, fundamentally in my growing experience, the truth of who I am is love.
        Kathy, I am so glad to know you. Grateful for our connection. Blessings, Debbie

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  5. You’ve hit a winner with this topic…there are sooooo many who can relate…me included πŸ™‚ Moving on is a peace-of-mind-life-saver…and, unfortunately, there are those who are more comfortable holding on to real and imagined slights, offences, mistakes…human failings. I get the–apologizing profusely–and it falling on deaf ears; and the deeper layer of that one is when, in a fit of people-pleasing relapse, I’ve apologized when I’ve known I shouldn’t be the one apologizing. That is something I vow not to do again (it’s been a while since I slipped into that bottomless pit). Anyway, I really appreciate that you balanced your position with compassion and your own accountability…for, it is only by working on ourselves that we can affect helpful change (even it means we have to love certain others from a distance). A wonderfully written post…thanks for sharing πŸ™‚

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    1. Thanks so much. I’m always pleased, yet sad that so many people can relate to these relationship ills. I’m sure it will take a huge shift in consciousness for these situations to become less of a challenge.

      At any rate, I agree. Moving on, letting go, releasing are all great ways to move forward and begin a new thought about people and experiences, whether they decide to with you or not. I suppose that’s the part. A lot of times we’re waiting for the other person to apologies or the other person to take responsibility, when most of the times s/he will not. But that should have nothing to do with us and what we choose to do and how we choose, hence your statement about my taking accountability. I’m glad you’ve noticed that. It’s something I’d decided was imperative (about 3 years ago), if I was going to have peace in any situation. It all begins with me because I’m the only person I can truly control.

      Hope this makes sense. I’m grateful you stopped by to read and comment!

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      1. What you said makes perfect sense! πŸ™‚ It’s wonderful to have allies to bolster our determination to keep moving forward in the face of resistance….generally-speaking, humans don’t like change…this means we can find ourselves fighting an uphill battle (eg. projection, circular arguments etc.). Congratulations on making the shift; it’s certainly not always easy! πŸ™‚

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  6. Well Katie, Hello from Australia.It’s funny how we all live in the same world; sister-in-law won’t won’t forgive some silly mistake made by sister and so I get in between. Half the family very religious the other half mocking all the time. Hey stop. “You been reading my mail?” How come you are over there on the other side of the world and you write a post about my life?? Anyway, if you ever want a joke just let me know.

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  7. My sister is here visiting her son that is currently living with me, throwing off our entire routine. Then she looks at me crazy when I try to reinforce the habits we have been forming over the past 8 months. We have the same arguments. It just gets old. All of it!

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    1. Oh dear. Yeah that’s tough because the relationship itself (her son, living with you, now she’s there) is complicated enough probably. But yes, it’s tiring having the same dang conversation over and over, getting nowhere new.

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  8. Just read your post and it resonated with me and my like so much. I have a family member that is not talking to me. We use to be very close. It hurt at one point. I reached out and apologize, and NO response. I wonder did they ever love me as they said. I am now over it. I realize that I can keep allowing someone to hurt me. I refuse!

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    1. Exactly. It all goes along with accepting things as they are. We may not like it, and there might not even be a reason you understand as to why s/he decided to stop talking to you, but to continue apologizing or beating yourself up about it…well, that does no good πŸ˜‰

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  9. I’ve experienced all of these except #2. Simplifying your life often means disengaging from negative people, even family. You’ve repeatedly extended the olive branch and gotten nowhere. You admitted that spending Christmas at home was the best and most stress-free holiday you’ve ever had. We started doing the same thing years ago and it was so freeing. The family eventually got used to it. Yours will too. πŸ™‚

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  10. Good for you, Dr. G. I wholeheartedly approve this message. I’m all about peace, too, so if you’re (continuously) disrupting that, you gotta go! Family included. The adjustments you make should leave you feeling uplifted, not drained and unappreciated. If they haven’t already, I’m sure they’ll miss your presence when it’s gone.

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    1. Yes ma’am! I’m glad you get this earlier than later. It took me a while to understand that I create my own peace, and that disruption of it can come from many sources. Also, it’s up to me to create boundaries and maintain that peace, without being made to feel about it. A few have already begun talking about visiting because they haven’t seen me in a while πŸ˜‰

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  11. It’s always boggles my mind at how people believe that your world must revolve around them but the moment you try to do something for yourself, you are selfish. I’ve closed the door on a few vampire friends years ago and it was freeing. Like all the wonderful comments, you gotta do you to stay true to yourself! Life is definitely too short.

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    1. Me too Marquessa, but what I’ve figured out is that it’s conditioning and manipulation. As soon as you step outside of that societal line (family included), then all of a sudden there’s a problem lol

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  12. I know of what you speak. I find that unhappy people want to dump on happy people. How dare you be happy when there so disgruntled. So they try and take you down to their level. But you learn that their misery has nothing to do with you. (the last line is from a John Mayer song πŸ™‚

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    1. Yes, yes they do. That’s another thing I’ve figured out this past year or so. Misery truly does love company, and if I’m too happy looking or too successful seeming, then all of a sudden something is wrong and it’s my fault…huh? Nope! I’ll have to check out the John Mayer song. Is it from Perfectly Lonely or Daughters? I just googled the phrase.

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  13. I won’t rehash pass wrongs (sometimes not even committed by my generation, although we’re still help accountable), real or imagined. Everyone is welcome in my life as long as we all live in the here and now. Any memories should be pleasant. Life is too short.

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    1. That’s pretty cool of you. My husband is similar. I haven’t found a way to truly let EVERYTHING go, but I’m working on it. You’re right. Life is too short. And as I write this, I realize I agree that any memories should be pleasant, but what we fail to realize sometimes is that it’s up to you to make it so.

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  14. You nailed it with the bit about people not taking responsibility for their own emotions/life/baggage/behaviour. My parents and brothers are all about blaming the world for all their woes. It would be a chapter book comment if I start on specifics, but responsibility for ones life and lack of empowerment to change what isn’t working is what it boils down to with them. I feel like I was adopted from a parallel universe and I’ve since got back in that mothership and left their planet and its orbit although I still occasionally see space junk and meteor showers from where I stand. Occasionally I get drawn back in but I tend to care less and less each time…

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    1. I have also been/sometimes still am on the other side btw…angry about the past and awaiting an apology which will never be forthcoming and unlikely I’d accept it anyway…I have mainly let it go- the bits that I haven’t, I try to process in my own space and don’t bring it up or place blame in conversation with my family on the rare occasions we talk.

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      1. It’s so hard to let the past go. I definitely understand that from dealing with my dad. I like that you say you “try to process in your own space.” I’m finding that’s the best place to do that, especially when the other party involved is unwilling to meet you halfway or acknowledge their part in how the current relationship looks.

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    2. Mek! I love this analogy. I’ve read it like five times now lol I think it so accurately portrays anyone who’s been in a dysfunctional relationship. I especially can relate to caring less and less. Perhaps it’s because the older you get the less time you realize you have to deal with shenanigans and BS.

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  15. We made the same decision when our children were young about staying at home on Christmas, and it didn’t go over particularly well. Even so, we knew it was the right decision for us and out kids. I think the trick is to live your life on your own terms, apologizing when you need to (but once is enough) and then letting others decide whether or not to accept it. If they don’t, that’s their problem, not yours. As long as you are living by the values and morals you know are right, then you are doing well!

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    1. Thanks for this comment Ann. We did it in reverse, choosing to go when the children were young and now they’re teenagers (going off to college and finishing high school), we’ve opted to stay home. Either way, I appreciate your comment, especially the part about apologizing. You’re right. Once is enough.

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  16. GIRL! I feel for you! Been there. Done all of that! I can say you can’t make everyone happy. ESPECIALLY family. Extended family mmembers are never willing to let you go live your life because you just might enjoy it (without them!) I speak from experience! Lol I’ve learned you can’t change them; you can only change yourself. Never let them see or hear you sweat. Have you ever heard that? The moment you do, they will push that button all the time with you. For example, my mom used to push my buttons soooo much, I would get into an argument with her every time we talked or saw each other! Every time. Finally I wouldn’t react. When she was done pushing every button she could think of, I would kindly say “Anything else?” Silence. Then , she would say no. I would tell her I loved her, say goodbye or kiss her goodbye. Once out of her sight or sound, I would scream, holla, punch the air, cry. After some time, she said to me “You’ve changed!” Lol She was full of positivity towards me from that point. Lolol Let the church say ‘AMEN.’ Aaaaamennn. Lolol With that being said, actions speak louder than words! Take care of YOU and 🎡 everything’s gonna be alright.πŸ˜‰

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    1. “Extended family mmembers are never willing to let you go live your life because you just might enjoy it (without them!)…” THAT PART! That’s what I’ve recently realized. People can’t imagine that you might actually be living life in peace without doing what they want you to do.

      You and your mother’s relationship cracks me up girl. That’s what I’ve learned to do…take care of my own well being without worrying about others’ situations or opinions. It’s been freeing.

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  17. I love your soul baring honesty, Katherin. Thank you for writing about a subject that so many people can relate to.
    I have some family stuff like this and have completely disengaged. It’s very freeing to be away from people that ooze judgment and drama.

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  18. This is so relatable! I have had to assert and reassert boundaries with my family, to the point where most of them don’t talk to me anymore. At first it was painful, until I realized that they would rather be disrespectful than to hear, its not okay to talk to me that way anymore. Its a strange, strange dynamic sometimes with family.

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    1. Thanks Alexis. It is painful because people would rather exert their will of what they’d like for you to do and how they’d like for you to act, rather than accept that you can live life (with boundaries) as you wish. Smh I’m glad/sad that you can relate.

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  19. GURL…………………………….

    I don’t even know where to start.
    I am convinced that some people do not, and, therefore, cannot access peace and/or happiness. Knowing this, I decided long ago that it was in my best interest to bless them and send them on their way.
    Your BIL, SIL and cousin sound like they fit that description.
    You are doing yourself a huge favor by disengaging.

    As for your family and their expectation that you guys will always drive to a NOT so central location for Christmas EVERY year is just CRAZY! Last time I checked Chicago is in no way the center point between Michigan and Florida…or is it me?

    Chile continue to enjoy your Christmas with your immediate family at yo’ house! LOL!

    YAAAASSSS!

    As for me, I’ve been “so over” crazy family and former friends that I can’t even remember what the original beef was with any of them.

    I dropped off that shit 20 years ago.

    PS: I recently read that if you are one who wants to help, you’ll always attract people who NEED help…gurl, I had to contemplate that one.

    I dunno…..

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    1. Thanks Lady G! I think you’re right about not being able to access peace. You know, I’ve never thought about how non-central the location is lol That’s the thing about participating in someone else’s expectation, you don’t even realize how inconvenient it is.

      That last part about helping is absolutely true. I just explained the law of attraction to my goddaughter and was trying to clearly tell her this. You attract what you desire, not just like energy πŸ˜‰ Thanks for reminding me to think about it for myself lol

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      1. You are so welcome to my unsolicited advice!
        YAAASSS!
        No, seriously, your peace is too valuable to lose. Guard it!
        Oh and kudos to you for teaching your goddaughter about the LOA. I taught both of my children- actually I am in the process of teaching Lady J.
        I only wish I had this knowledge 30 years ago.
        But you know, I’ve been blessed that Divine Intelligence has reworked my craziness into many blessings. LOL!!!!

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  20. Growing up in a family of addicts blaming someone else was the norm. Sadly I had to set boundaries to preserve my own sanity. You have to give yourself what you can’t get from others. So, I haven’t seen my siblings in 20 years. And lovely friend, please read the desiderata. ( It’s googleable)

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    1. I cannot imagine growing up in a family of addicts, except I think it might feel as if you’re always wrong, when you’re not. Setting boundaries is definitely something with which I can agree. I think it saves ALL relationships, even if the other people don’t agree to the boundary. Funny thing is, Desiderata was my mother’s favorite poem; she gave it to me in a frame for my 16th birthday! I’m going to take this as a sign πŸ˜‰

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      1. I figured. Not so much because of the family you described, but quite honestly, even the most “perfect” families leave people feeling as if they’re not quite good enough. Light and love to you ❀

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  21. There’s a saying that rings true for me – you can pick your friends but not your family. I have an aunt that constantly complains. It’s exhausting to listen to her. I rarely see her now because it’s so bad. If you’ve extended yourself to family members and they haven’t reciprocated – that’s on them. You’ve already done the right thing.

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  22. Good for you! πŸ˜‰πŸ‘

    My list is long… and ridiculous. But I stopped trying to reason/discuss/debate/compromise years ago. Some people feed on drama – they use it to get attention. Others (in my family, anyway) use it to make themselves look better. And still, some folks are just mean and petty. Related to some of them too.

    I chose to ignore it all when my children were still young. They didn’t understand, and how do you explain foolishness to a child?

    Some call me harsh, some call me distant. I call myself happy! πŸ˜€πŸ˜

    Have a great week!

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    1. Reason, discuss, debate, and compromise is exactly right Felicia! I realized most recently that’s what I’d been trying to do in most situations, prove that I’m not who they think I am or provide reason for this and that…NOPE…no more lol

      I’m glad you’ve mentioned your children, because I did it in reverse, my girls see it as I’m changing things (e.g., not going to Chi) for no good reason. You’re right thought. I can’t quite explain it to them clearly because they don’t get it either.

      Thanks for sharing your happy self in my comments today πŸ˜‰

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  23. O dear Katherin, do not get me started! You know, I’ve tried, I really did to live by the rule ‘kindness without expectations’, and I do not put ‘things on a scale’ ( I called three times, so you should too, for instance…nope, I really don’t do that)…HOWEVER, I think it’s only fair, if I want just a bit of interest about me in return? The times my mother told me I have to high expectations, I really could be rich. My brother expecting me to drop everything, when he calls literally 10 minutes before a party he is throwing for his our his family’s birthday and oh yeah, there is food (and I am right in the middle of preparing diner for me and my husband). I am good, and I try to be beautiful, be I refuse to be somebodies fool. Ok..I did start a bit, lol…but Katherin, I can really relate to this. Still trying to figure out how to be kind, sticking to my own morals and principles and not stepping on toes of others….Sigh. There should be an easy way, but haven’t figured it out yet.

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    1. Patty, you’ve explained it quite clearly. “I think it’s only fair, i I want just a bit of interest about me in return.” That’s the part that people don’t seem to ever consider. I think you know too, that I try very hard to live without expectations of others, but yes…it is definitely hard. There’s no easy way that I’ve found.

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