Monday Notes: Men

img_2774I have a lot of thoughts. Conversations occur. People ask for advice. People share things about their lives. I overthink the conversation, advice, or experience, and voila! A thought occurs. So, I jot it down in my notes section in hopes of writing about it on a future date. I have 221 notes on my phone. I figured the future is now lol. Here’s my first one:

I’ve listened to how my male friends talk about women and how they interact with them. I also listen to and observe how women interact with men. Sometimes it’s different.

Men don’t treat every woman like she’s their future wife. They don’t treat every relationship like there’s an impending wedding. Men seem to know which women are so-called “wife material” and which ones are not ready to commit. Consequently, they seem to treat each “type” of woman accordingly. Now, I’m not saying this is right or wrong. Please don’t confuse this with a feminist post. I’m just saying some men seem to know.

Women, on the other hand, seem to meet a man, and immediately begin checking off their “Are you my husband list?” Having standards is an integral part of being in a relationship, but every man, date, and even relationship is not a potential husband or lifelong situation. However, even if a woman notices the man doesn’t fit something on the proverbial list, I’ve noticed that she will then make provisions. Maybe he’ll change and go to church. Maybe I can change him and he’ll stop wearing jeans. Maybe this relationship will change once we’ve dated for a while.

What does this mean? Men seem much quicker to say, “I don’t think I can deal with this woman.” Whereas, women are much quicker to say, “I can work with this man.”

What do you all think? Am I overgeneralizing here? Remember, these aren’t fleshed out thoughts, so I’m not committed to one perspective. Plus, you know I really want to hear what your experiences and opinions are out there.

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71 thoughts on “Monday Notes: Men

  1. Let the church say amen, AMEN. Lol Preach it, teach it sister! Why, though? I think women live in the future and “Keep hope alive ” whereas men live in the moment with “It is what it is.” 🎵 oh, that’s the way love goes…😉

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  2. I totally agree. Woman are willing to tolerate more than men. I feel that comes from the old times where woman were protected and taken care of by men and stayed home. Its deeply rooted in some of us still even in our modern days of switching up the roles and woman taking care of themselves.

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      1. I honestly love the idea of a man taking care of his family when the time comes to decide to have children and raise a family and not having outsiders raise the children in a daycare. But it seems men cant handle being men anymore. They dont know what it means these days. They dont value woman like they are suppose to.

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      2. My husband actually quit working for a few months and took care of our first child. I also have an uncle who basically raised his daughters until they were teenagers, while my aunt had the steady job. I hate to stereotype, but I do think it takes a person who has a certain mindset (against societal norms) to be able to do what you’re saying. I understand what you’re saying here, but I’m also wondering if women and men don’t value one another “like they’re supposed to.”

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  3. This is very true. Going by experiences, I deeply believe people should know what they want beforehand, and take it slow. Marriage is too big to worry about in anything, and I’ve seen WAY too many women in my town rushing a man down the aisle, and a few years later, divorce comes up.
    And some women aren’t ready yet. And vice versa with men.
    Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Pam! That’s what I’m saying. Why is anyone even thinking about marriage, and you don’t even know the man’s middle name or life goals? I like that you mention, neither men, nor women are ready yet! It really doesn’t depend on the gender sometimes.

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  4. Men seem much quicker to say, “I don’t think I can deal with this woman.” Whereas, women are much quicker to say, “I can work with this man.”

    This is really true from my perspective. Women are oftentimes trying to make a prince out of a frog and men is trying to make a beer (a.k.a. an object) out of a woman (to reference Darryl’s post). lol Of course, that’s not the case for all women and all men but that is the prevailing archetype in our society.

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  5. I don’t usually like to chime in on men vs. women discussions, but I’ll make the exception here. I agree that women lean more towards working with what’s in front of them, having an ideal in mind, and men tend towards searching forevermore for that ideal to appear fully formed.  As for the idea that men know when a woman is ready to commit- that is some overly presumptious, patronising bs, as if the man is the one who is the master of the woman’s fate- why not have a conversation to gauge it, or be ‘man enough’ to own his own feelings and recognise that the choice he is making is his own and not because of the state of mind of the woman that he apparently knows better than the woman herself…also, let’s say the woman has no intention to commit- does the guy assume she’s waiting for instructions that he’s ready for her to? Ugh…As much as there is some truth to stereotypes and general male/female differences (e.g. multitasking, maturity levels, emotional openness), I believe that in a relationship it needs to be about the two individuals as people beyond their gender- considering all other facets of their identity that make them who they are- this is why I will never blame a failed relationship on the the man being a man – that is oversimplifying matters and is an avoidance of looking at how I may have also contributed to the failings. Ok, I think I’ll stop there…

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    1. I understand, so I do appreciate your comment even more. I guess I don’t mean they know when a women is ready to commit, as much as they know who’s serious and who’s not, and then they tend to steer from the ones they are not ready for. Think that’s what I meant. I agree with everything you’ve said here, but I’m not quite sure how we move beyond who we are within and without gender stereotypes, while considering this is the current way that we all (sometimes) operate. I suppose a conversation about the realities of the stereotypes might be a beginning and then a conversation about the realities about who we are as individuals, without the stereotypes. Sorry if I rambled, but I was really thinking about it as I wrote the answer lol

      Liked by 1 person

      1. But when a conversation is between 2 people, do the stereotypes mean anything? Does the fact that people think a behaviour is the same as that of a large number of people of that sex either justify it in the individual or deem it unchangeable? I just don’t understand how it helps…if anything, I think it is a way of avoiding the real person in front of you in the relationship by lumping issues in a huge unsolvable heap. Speaking to 1 person is easier than trying to change 3.5billion inhabitants of this planet…

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    2. For some reason, WP won’t show me this comment in the actual comments, so it’ll appear out of order.

      In my mind, recognizing stereotypes can be an important part of self-reflection. If I’m doing something because that’s how I’ve learned that women do things, then stopping to realize that idea first, might be a way for me to stop the pattern that I believe is just inherent in all women.

      For some people, this might not be helpful. For others, it might be that they’ve been conditioned to believe something that’s just not true, and realizing that idea first could be helpful.

      I don’t think it’s an unsolvable heap, if the person chooses to think about it and then apply it to themselves as a way of growing.

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      1. I just meant compared to resolving issues between 2 people, addressing stereotypes is a lot harder. Sometimes calling someone out on their behaviour by saying it is typical man or woman behaviour is counter productive. You have made a good point about self reflection though…

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      2. How insightful this is. After reading this comment, I took a moment to reflect on my ideologies about men and dating based on stereotypes. I then took a moment to reflect on the part that these ideologies have played in my dating experiences. I’ll just say that I am definitely guilty of this behavior. So for me, this is helpful 🙂

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  6. Generally speaking, Men are visual and marriage is not instilled in our brains from birth unlike young girls. It’s crazy because your book reminds me of this scenario as well. A lot of those ladies were conditioned and groomed to think that they had to get married. I think also a lot of us men see it as too challenging to change a women’s perspective on a lot of things.
    Great example: You remember in coming to America when Eddie was going to get married to that beautiful African lady who was ready to serve him and do whatever? And Arsenic thought Eddie was crazy for wanting a woman with an original opinion and thought? Well most men are Arsenio. They want that

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    1. Now, that I agree with. Each of us is directed in totally different directions, no matter how many women’s rights Beyonce songs we know by heart! at the Coming to America reference because you’re right. And I think a lot of men (not all) would agree.

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      1. But isn’t Beyonce a part of the problem? One minute she’s independent, then she is talking about giving oral sex to her husband, then she’s mad cause he cheated claiming she has the best (you know?) Just saying how many women know Ledisi’s lyrics? Men aren’t excluded because we can insert any male singer as well. Men at all but you’re right alot will disagree with what I said but it’s the truth.

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      2. lol…now Tareau, Beyonce can be independent and give the best oral a the same time. The two are not mutually exclusive lol but I know what you mean. I’ve tried to decide if she is helping or hurting…jury’s still out. But yes, ALL artists who keep a stereotype in heavy rotation are part of the problem.

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      3. Dr. Garland I know you love Beyonce as 9/10 women do but she hurts the cause. If anyone who speaks negatively about her, they get the business. They have a cult after her. How can a lady who was ok with magazines making her look Eurocentric for all these years and never spoke out about anything regarding race now be the savior?? Sure you can be a feminist and give the best oral and there’s nothing wrong with it but Where’s the consistency? Just all of a sudden.

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      4. I almost spit out this water Tareau! lol Okay I do like a few songs, but I know she’s not women’s savior. I do think that she really believes she’s helping women, in her own way. Is she an Erykah Badu, or even her sister, Solange? Um, negatory lol, but I always think people are on a continuum. Is she a Nikki Minaj? Nope. But you’re right, her message is a bit inconsistent, especially after she got married. Something about marriage, huh?

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      5. Hahahahahahahah I’m sorry. But what kind of water was it? It better of not been no Dasani😤 all about that crystal geyser. Hahahahaha. Anyways Calling a spade a spade but no one would call Beyonce these things if she looked like Serena Williams. Yes Solange is dope I love her style.

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      6. Purified grocery store water in a SMART water bottle lol! You all have that over there? And I’m not being funny. I’ve found that different bottle water is sold in different parts of the country…seems crazy to me!

        Lawd…we wouldn’t even be discussing Beyonce if she looked like Serena Wiliams…

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      7. Hahahahahah is it that one with the BLUE letters that says SMART? Man, I used to hate water too. Ohhh and great parallel on the marriage and Beyonce I see what you did there. Maybe Beyonce should be in your new book. A sexual for the unhappy wife maybe?? Hmmmm I get a 3% cut. Yea just 3. Why because I’m petty. If you was to drop a wad of cash in front of me, I would gladly return it without hesitation. But if you drop change in front of me, you u are not getting any of it back

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    2. This is so true Tareau. Even if choosing not to succumb to the pressures placed on us to get married, society still seems to measure our success as women based on our ability to do so. Masculinity seem to be measured on a man’s ability to obtain or achieve financial stability and career success, whereas women are measured on being able to get (and keep) a man. I don’t care for either standard of measurement, in all honesty. But think about how often those two things are referenced in arguments and fights, even. And the memes that support the gender roles and stereotypes that we’ve assigned to them.

      You raise a good point also about men preferring not to change a woman’s perspective. Men seem to be much less comfortable with confrontation than women (IMO). Men, I feel want peace. Women, I feel want to be understood. lol

      Liked by 3 people

  7. I think your observations are spot-on. I think girls are taught young to compromise and please people and try to work things out, where boys are taught to hold their own, be more aggressive, not give in. And that colors the way we act as adults. As you said, maybe a bit oversimplified, and I’m sure there are exceptions, but overall, I agree. 🙂

    Liked by 5 people

  8. I had a friend who married one of my husbands friends. She knew he had to travel a lot for his work, he had two motorcycles and drove them, he had a large collection of cartoon-books. They got married. First year into the marriage; he had to change his job, so he could be home at dinnertime. Then she said the motors had to go, because she needed the space in their garage and yep…the collection had to go too. I don’t hate much (since I think that is too often a too strong word), but I hate it when people (mostly women) want to change their partners. Just hate it. So, I couldn’t take her complaining about him any longer, but more importantly, couldn’t watch him getting unhappier…After I kept quite for a long time and finally said “but you KNEW he did those things, he had that job, before you got married. Stop complaining! Stop trying to change him”. Haven’t heard from her since that day…Unfortunately that the friendship between my husband and his friend diluted slowly too…
    When I met my husband, the first time we got to talk a bit deeper about life and vision, he said “I am J and I do what I want”. My response: “I am Patty, I am right there with you”. So, we decided to except that of each other.
    My first marriage was sort of an escape out of parents house (for both of us)…that’s not a good reason either, I can tell you, but we are still amicable when we cross paths. The second marriage; mutual well thought choice. We knew we found a person we could be ourselves in a relationship.
    I think I never thought “this is marriage material”…or maybe I did, since I still believe to this day, marriage is just an extra bound you add to a relationship. I just like to say: “This is my husband…”
    Oops…your posts often end me up responding excessively…(why is that?)
    Anyway…great post again 🙂
    XxX

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    1. The story you tell about your friend is really the perfect example of what I’m saying. Why in the world would someone marry a person they felt needed changing? It’s so common though. I like your husband’s introduction! Maybe if we all introduce ourselves the way you did, then we’d be on the way to a happier path with one another 😉

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  9. So I just asked my husband if he ever has divided women up into marriageable or not marriageable material (mind you, we’ve been together almost 27 years, married for almost 22). He said no, that the first thing on his mind (when he was young, of course, not now lol) was is she good looking, and the second is sex. The last thing on his mind is wanting to marry her and changing her is not even remotely on his radar. I admit that one of the foremost things on my mind is whether a man would be a good father and provider. I also look for signs that he’s clean (meaning someone who doesn’t cheat and sleaze around or have diseases) and that’s he’s good in bed. With all that said, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and one man or woman’s junk is another’s treasure. God, I feel so shallow sharing all this, but what can I say but the truth? Everyone is different and I have friends to stimulate me intellectually and provide entertainment and hang out with. I just want my husband to be a good dad, hard worker, family oriented, faithful, and good in the sack. I don’t need much else.

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    1. Oh, and to leave me be and let me have freedom to pursue my interests, as long as they don’t hurt the marriage or family (so I guess I do expect a lot). I did use to try to change him when we were younger, but I know better now. Ain’t happening. I think men do a much better job of accepting women as they are and not trying to change them and not judging them. But again, there’s always exceptions and I’m only going off my own experience. Okay, I’ll stop now!

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    2. Kim, I love the honesty in this answer. I think you’re the only one I’ve known to admit that GOOD sex is important in a relationship! I can believe this about men. I probably should’ve given an age range, although it seems men only think about sex and looks at every age. So you really thought about if your then boyfriend would be a good father and provider, consciously? I think that’s interesting (not in the sense that I’m thinking of another word), but it’s really interesting how we’re each wired similarly, but differently.

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  10. I know a few females who are willing to overlook or forgive some of what they’re looking for in a man to make a relationship work. It also depends on what traits they’re overlooking and how big of an issue it could potentially be for the relationship in the future. I so agree that generally men do know what they want and when they want it. But sometimes men aren’t willing to see past some silly traits….

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  11. Kathy, I’m not looking for a husband. I enjoy and appreciate what each male friend or acquaintance brings to my life. Male-female relationships are so much better when thoughts of a prospective marital partner aren’t on the table.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. It seems that a relationship would be best without all of that pressure. I think you’re one of very few women I’ve known who really is not looking for a husband. That’s got to feel liberating on some level.

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  12. Hello Dr. Garland. You have raised some good points here. I would not characterize your statements and concerns here as an over-generalization – especially because you have said you are not trying to make a feminist argument and am not connected to one position.

    I think this boils down to how power is distributed between men and women. Personal relationships do not escape power – so I think this discussion will inevitably have a feminist orientation to it.

    Under sexism, men have more political, economic, and social power than women. Women are reduced to commodities that men, by virtue of their position, have or THINK they have “access” to. This may explain why the men you are analyzing are more willing to move on from a particular woman: they have or think they have access to others. On the other hand, women do not have “access” to men, no matter how pretty/sexy she may be. Since women are seen as inferior to men, they are socialized to obtain and retain a man. The positions and respective goals are different.

    This dynamic is the same as the relationship between boss and employee. The boss has all the power; and the employee has to beg for a job.The boss knows that they can place an ad and get a bunch of resumes from OTHER prospective employees. So when the boss addresses the employee, the employee is viewed as dispensable. On the other hand, the employee often feels trapped in their relationship to the boss at their job. They feel there are not other jobs/good enough bosses out there that are willing to employ them. So when they talk to their current boss, they do so with the utmost respect – because that boss is NOT viewed as dispensable. The employee is so afraid of being fired or having a worst job that they are typically willing to “work it out” with their current boss (i.e. extra hours, lower pay, etc), no matter how bad it is.

    I might write more about this on my blog in a bit, as this is only the half of it for me lol (you know I write a lot!). I have been meaning to address relationships but I keep putting it on the back-burner. This inspires me to write it out a bit more. Does this make sense, though?

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    1. You better come through Darryl! This makes perfect sense and it does explain the lackadaisical/lax attitude that men share when it comes to relationships and what they will/will not “put up with.” They don’t see themselves as having to put up with anything, no matter what the gender ratio is. Meanwhile, women are still competing, so to speak for a pool of men, thus putting them at a disadvantage in all sorts of ways. Makes…perfect…sense. And dangit! I ended up having a theoretical conversation anyway lol Just kidding…I don’t mind and I’m always up for it.

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      1. Men or women should not have to “put up with” anything that is toxic. I would also say that compromise by “putting up with” is not a path to happiness or just mere healthy relationship. We should “put up with” allowing the mate to have “space” time to pursue matters that may bring enjoyment. “put up with” Jeff’s Thursday night poker game and Sarah Tuesday night living room book club are things that are not “putting up with” but supporting the variant interests of others even if we think they are silly or frivolous and they really don’t harm either of the spouses.

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      2. I agree Carl! Toxic behaviors should not have to be tolerated. I use the term “putting up with” the same as tolerate, and I tend to agree that if it’s Poker or book club, then that shouldn’t be a big deal, unless Poker or book club have begun to mean more than the relationship, which does happen in some cases.

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      3. Lol! I am glad you appreciate theoretical discussions! I hope to engage you further with the response I am still working on. I’ll have it done today. And of course, you will get a ping-back for this piece =D Have a good day!

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    2. It makes me so happy when I comment, and then scroll down to see that you shared similar thoughts. It makes me feel as if my ideas are not too far left because you’re so insightful lmao. Read my response to Tareau to see what I’m referring to.

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      1. Haha, thanks ☺ Reading your comment makes me feel “grounded” in reality a bit more as well! We can agree there is something deeply societal here. If you ever get a spare moment, please check out the piece I wrote in response to the points Dr. Garland raised titled “Love Cannot Be Captured”. I probably went a bit far to the left, but … you decide ☺ lol

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  13. I agree with this so much! A man knows exactly the type he is willing to marry (and when or IF he will marry) but will play the game with anyone in the path – in the meantime. You’ve put this nicely into words. Even when my husband tells me stories from past relationships, I think to myself “If you treated me that way, we wouldn’t have gotten past date #1.” And he knows it. He is not in denial or apologetic about it, he shrugs it off and says “I was just living life.”

    Liked by 5 people

    1. “…but will play the game with anyone in the path…” please say that again! lol at your husband, “just living life” huh? I really think this is most men’s mindset and it seems to work out for them, but Darryl has reminded me that there are more things at play here that make life a little different for them 😉

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  14. I think that generally men just don’t think. They just go with the flow and if the relationship becomes something they just kind of end up there! Women are much more inclined to think about where it is going and if it will work out etc

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