Behind the Kwote: *Flawed

flawedI’ve spent the majority of my life in shame. I was ashamed of being adopted. I was ashamed that my mother had a terminal illness. Then, I was ashamed that my dad gave up his parental rights. I was ashamed that I had to move to a small town my senior year and graduate with 25 people I didn’t really know. I had developed eighteen years of shame.

Once I began undergrad, I unconsciously created my own shameful experiences. Lovers and sexual indiscretions piled up. At that point, the shame covered me. But I kept it hidden.

So there I was, carrying and hiding decades of shame. I doubted that others had similar challenges. Everyone looked so perfect to me, with two loving parents and crystal clear paths paved with luck and fortune. Around 2004, I attracted more authentic conversations. Former students, friends, family, and coworkers opened up to me about their pasts and presents.

Boy, was I wrong.

Everyone else felt just as crappy as I did. They hid it, like me. Consequently, I began to reflect not only on my own, but also other people’s experiences. Rarely do friends and family want to share their innermost feelings for fear of being judged. For fear of being shamed. What is this cycle we’ve created? We live in shame and don’t talk about it because we don’t want to be shamed.

Once I figured this out, I wrote this kwote as a reminder: Don’t worry; the person next to you is flawed too!

*Disclaimer: Typically “flaws” refer to outward appearances, but I use it here to discuss so-called inward flaws.

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64 thoughts on “Behind the Kwote: *Flawed

  1. This post is a blessing of immense measure. How much do we hurt ourselves by thinking we are just the only ones who aren’t perfect. The truth is that though we might be seeing different views of the horizons, everyone of us is aboard in the same boat of flaws. Thank you KE, for illuminating our minds once again.

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  2. I absolutely love your quote. I wish we could tattoo this on the hearts of everyone because I think then we would be able to beat the rhythm of compassion, honesty, and forgiveness. Thanks for sharing your story, your authenticity. Beautiful thing to read!

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  3. I’d never thought about the virgin birth like that. That’s a good point. I wonder if that’s when we began trying to attain the unattainable? Love that Tupac quote. It’s filled with the juxtaposition many of us live with, and that’s real. You can be an angel with broken wings.

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  4. Great quote, and great piece! I agree. We are so caught up in our own heads that sometimes we feel other people can look straight through us. But other people are carrying their own baggage and dealing with their own problems, as well. I like the advice for public speaking whereby we are told to imagine everyone naked … the wisdom here is to see that you are not the only one who is on trial, everyone else has something to hide, as well.

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    1. Not sure how I missed this, but yes, this would help with seeing ourselves as equal to one another.
      “Everyone has something to hide” is exactly the point. Once we discover this AND stop ranking trauma and hurt, then we can begin to function from a place of equality or a level playing field where we truly begin to see one another the same and treat one another as we wish to be treated.

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      1. Great advice! I wish not being so self conscious was something taught in school; as I feel the tendency towards perfection, for the most part, takes place there. Most of my teachers in school were very impersonal and were cold. This is why my favorite professor was one who made fun of himself and acknowledged his faults

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      2. Awww you should’ve had me at some point 😉 In terms of teaching self worth and self esteem in schools, I had to learn that very few institutions really want that. I’m pretty sure most institutions want you feeling as if you should strive for perfection because it keeps you following the herd…hope this makes sense.

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  5. Yes, I feel like I am on similar path that you faced. Not in terms of situations, but feeling shameful. Also, not feeling good enough for anything or anyone. It took me long while to see that I am flawed, yes. But we all are flawed, and that is what makes us so AWESOME!!! Great post!!!

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    1. So glad to see you here luv. The first step is admitting those shameful feelings. The next step for me was to understand that I am worthy and I am good enough just the way I am, for no other reason than I’m right here living life. Differences are what make us awesome! Thanks so much for stopping by, reading and commenting. I appreciate it and I love your blog too.

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  6. So true. Again. 🙂
    Reminds me of another saying “Every house has its cross”…directly translated from Dutch (Ieder huisje heeft zijn kruisje). It means: every family has its burdens.

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  7. Hi Kathy, I finished the book. Couldn’t put it down. A real page turner. Once I process it more, I’ll write a review on Amazon or Goodreads or somewhere. I’m not too good at reviews, so I want to take my time and get it right. Thanks!

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  8. Strange how we judge ourselves so harshly or think that every one around us is perfect. Allusions, perceptions and all the negative voices in our heads that keep us stuck. Thank you for sharing your experience.💕

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  9. Right on. Even the crookedest Christmas tree can seem straight from far away, with your head tipped a little sideways. Same with people. Get close enough and the flaws surface. Plus, always easier to see your own. 🙂

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  10. It’s a funny cycle isn’t it? Talking about insecurities, fears, sense of shame etc sorts out the wheat from yhe chaff of potential friendships. At a certain point in getting to know someone new, I test the waters and see that the person either recoils from the ‘intensity’ or ‘over sharing’ or embraces the realness and we move the friendship along to something more real and sustainable. Keeping those feelings inside is isolatimg. nice behind the quote 😊

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    1. It is quite a ridiculous cycle. I think that’s a great measure of a potential friendship. Throw out some real conversation and see what happens. In fact, I’m glad you mentioned that Mek. That might be why some friends have fallen because my convo changed to discuss real topics and most people, I’ve learned, do not want any part of that.

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  11. Wonderful “kwote” and wonderful post. K E. I think it’s important to talk about shame. It’s easy to head down a shame spiral unless we have people who can check-it/us and help us release those old beliefs. I love Brene Brown’s books on shame and vulnerability.

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    1. That is exactly the shame that I see. We create a sense of shame, or maybe society, families, friends? I don’t know, but we definitely keep it hidden, only one day to find out it was for naught. Thanks so much Annika!

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    1. Oh please do my dear. It really is a debilitating way to live/not live. Sometimes you end up never doing anything for fear of not attaining so-called perfection and other times you appear to have it all together, when really you’re crumbling.

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      1. I think your long term struggle to understand yourself is what makes your willingness to share meaningful. You are right, we are all “flawed” but your experiences are so “authentic” that it takes real guts to put them down and let others read and comment. I love learning from you. Thanks. (My favorite words of yours from this post and reply in quotes.)

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    1. Thank you Debbie! I’m glad you see it as a sort of empathetic support; that’s part of my daily goal, to be as empathetic as possible. I agree that we’re spiritual beings having a human experience, and I suppose these types of emotions are all a part of it. I just hope that we stop getting swept away by the illusion of shame. Light and love right back to you 🙂

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  12. I think that shame is a flawed concept. It supposes that to be acceptable you have to be perfect. Perfectionism and shame are closely related and one shouldn’t be ashamed to say, we really have no time for either of those imposters.

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      1. I have always been suspicious of “perfection” as a concept, overall. Not to knock anyone’s religious beliefs – but me, personally, I do not think it is useful that the New Testament frames Jesus as being a product of a virgin birth and without sin. This is impossible to the point where people cannot relate to him. I personally like Tupac’s vision of what a real leader is: “an angel with broken wings”.

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