3 Ways to Avoid Being an Unhappy Wife

Many people ask, “How can you write a book called The Unhappy Wife, when you are a happy wife?” Well, for the couple of decades that we’ve been married, Dwight’s been a great husband. For some of that time, however, I was unhappy, but didn’t understand why. Here are three not-so-simple steps that helped me and I hope they’ll help you too.

Know your SELF. Knowing your self is an integral first step. For a long time, I thought I knew myself. I knew I liked birthday parties and seafood. But that’s not what I mean. You have to know who you are at the core. For me, the realization came when I did a relationship meditation. One of the reflection questions was what are you afraid of? When I stopped to think about it, I feared that there must be something wrong with me. The realization was a culmination of abandonment from my biological mother, adopted mother, and adopted father. I was afraid that if I were to really be my SELF, then I would discover that there must be something terribly wrong with me. Consequently, I lived half-committed to married life for fear that one day Dwight would leave too, just like everyone else. This just wasn’t the truth.

Love your SELF. Loving your self might sound cliché, but it’s the only way to have a healthier relationship with your spouse. Kind of like birthday parties and seafood, I also thought I loved myself. But, again I was wrong. I loved my identity. My self-esteem was inflated by years of external validation. You’re so pretty. You’re so smart. You’re so witty. Deep down inside no one would suspect that I felt like shit because of the abandonment described above. I was adept at covering it up with my big smile, big vocabulary and big personality. Once I faced my fear, then I took an objective look at my experiences. My biological mother gave me up for adoption because of her circumstances; my adopted mother passed away because of her circumstances; and my adopted father gave up parental rights because of his circumstances. Of course their lives affected me, but I stopped taking each event personally. I learned to love me, irrespective of anything external. Over time, I developed self worth based on simply being a human being. I’m not important because I have three degrees. I’m important simply because I am alive here on this earth.

Be your SELF. I was like many women who have chosen to marry. Because I didn’t know or love my self, I entered my nuptials not being myself. Consequently, my issues manifested through infidelity. What does that have to do with being yourself, you might ask? Well, I knew that I struggled with being faithful before and after I said, I do, but I kept this information hidden for a while because I didn’t understand the root cause: fear of abandonment. Today, I’m different, and subsequently, my marriage is too. Instead of making decisions out of childhood fears, now I’m free to be my true SELF by making conscious choices aligned with who I am in this world.

unhappy_wife_ipadCurrently, I’m a content person, who knows and loves her SELF and who is 100% authentic with her SELF, her spouse and everyone else.

Interested in reading short stories based on real-life events of wives like me? Order a copy of my The Unhappy WifeAnd if you should find that your own life resonates with one of these lady’s stories, then maybe it’s time to work on your SELF.

 

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30 thoughts on “3 Ways to Avoid Being an Unhappy Wife

  1. “I’m not important because I have three degrees. I’m important simply because I am alive here on this earth.”<3 this! I love this whole post. Simple yet so hard. I would love to say I've worked through all of this but that would be a lie. I'm still working through some things which is probably part of the reason why I'm still single and I'm okay with that.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah there’s a stigma around being single and yet so many people are in unhappy relationships so really…if there has to be a stigma, it should be on unhappiness or lack of peace, not whether someone is dating or not. Hmm… I may write about that topic soon.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. What is a relationship meditation? I’m fascinated by the process. Personally I struggle with loving myself and really don’t even know where to start. Being myself? I can do that, but often suffer from self hangovers afterwards. Excited for your book!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL – Johanna, I MISS you! Where have you been? I love it when you blog bomb me (a phrase I just made up). Okay, so the relationship meditation was through Deepak and Oprah. Here’s a link. https://chopracentermeditation.com/store It’s called Miraculous Relationships. It was kinda pricey, but it really helped me quite a bit. I thought it was going to show me some magical way to get along with people, and it ended up showing me how to accept me for who I am, SO THAT I could get on better in general.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Deepak and Oprah is quite the combination! I’ll have to check this out.

        I love the blog bomb concept…. It really captures what I do! You should trademark it and make a custom emoji! 💣

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  3. Oh dear, Kathy! How I resonate with the three points you raise here. Knowing, loving and being ourselves” free us from the baggage we carry and the expectations we place on others. I appreciate your honesty and openness about issues some would choose not to talk about. I can only imagine how inspiring and liberating stories in upcoming book are. All the best with preorders.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is so true Khaya! As soon as you are free to be you, then you really liberate others as well. There’s zero reason to judge. Thanks for the honesty compliment. I think I’m able to do it now because I’m feeling so much ME. You know? I spent a long time denying certain parts of myself, but now I’m kinda like, hey…here I am lol. I do hope these stories help women in some way. Thanks bunches for the well wishes!

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  4. Great post Kathy! I struggle with being my authentic self in some situations and find the internal conflict makes for stilted conversations, a feeling of wasting my time and general dissatisfaction in the interactions (funnily enough, usually around my family). I’m getting better at it though, and not so bothered that they think I’m a little weird. In my relationship I am the real me, but well…you know THAT story. Perhaps the next level of being my true self is respecting my intuitive self too. So happy for you that you got through so many hurdles to where you are today xx

    p.s. follow up with WP cause this is the 2nd post I’m aware of that hasn’t shown up in reader.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do think respecting/honoring your intuitive self is an important part of BEING yourself. It’s challenging, depending on your background. I heard it best from a Megan Good interview. She mentioned wanting her private and public self to match. That’s the best way I can describe it. Once those two things are the same, then I think we’ve become ourselves 😉 As far as the reader thing, thanks! I’m not sure what’s going on there. I did notice a low stat for this one, like the other too.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s the putting it in practice that’s the challenge. For me it’s not so much about public/private. It’s about being myself regardless of the historic version of me that some people may know- old friends and family who still expect the same old me that is no longer…but it is up to me to let them know that by just being the me I am now.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Kim. That means quite a bit to me. That’s really all I want is for people to feel like it’s okay for them to be themselves, just as they are today, and the only way I know how to offer that thought is to show who I am, as much as possible 😉

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  5. I’ve never been married, but your words still resonate. It’s easy if you’re single to believe marriage will cure what ails you, but of course that isn’t true. I’d like to believe marriage can bring added joy to your life, and having a supportive partner sounds pretty good…but even my friends with the strongest marriages openly acknowledge areas their husbands fail them. Not because they’re failures, but because they’re human. Our greatest strength has to come from ourselves.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Belinda, that is absolutely what I’ve learned. In fact, Dwight and I have talked about it recently, and for a long time he thought he could save me. He had to realize, like a lot of spouses, that’s impossible. Only we can save ourselves. Thanks for reading, commenting and understanding exactly where I was going with this.

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